Why you can't find a Black Man who won't cheat.. Message board Forward to friends

  • View author's info Posted on Jun 09, 2006 at 09:57 AM


    Luliana write:
    Hmm, I can follow your train of thought. However, I guess this is one of those times where it
    s best to agree to disagree.

    :)


    Luliana,
    That's it? ...lol I was looking forward to the thousand word rebuttal. Agree to disagree? Where's the fun in that?...lol Damn, now what am I going to do with my lunch time? Guess, I'll just eat lunch.

    Samson heads for the door, patting Luliana on the butt as he passes. Luliana turns, smacks Samson across the face with a loud, echoing "SWACK!" Samson touches the red hand print on his face, bursts into laughter and says, "That, ladies and gentle men, is my kind of girl!" Winking at Luliana, he turns and smoothly exits the room.
    Peace
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 07, 2006 at 06:25 PM


    You're right; relationships are a "team effort." But every winning team has a captain, or at least, a coach who calls the plays. I believe the man should have the final say in what goes on in that couple's life together. That's not to say the man should run over or disrespect his woman. He should always listen to her and do what's right for her. That doesn't mean he should boss his woman around. That doesn't mean he should do whatever he wants, regardless of how it will affect his wife or girlfriend. A man should treat his woman like she is a part of him, because if he truly loves her, then she is, very much, a part of him.
    But, it should be a natural thing. In other words, that man should have the final say because his woman respects him and believes in him enough to put that level of trust in him. Some men don't have it in them to be that kind of guy. And that's cool for them. They should be with women who can make up for that. But for me, I have to have the final say. I'm respectfull and loving, but I still have the last word. Think of it like this; A corporate woman who helps run money making businesses uses her brains and talents to make her employers(mostly men) more money and expand their companies. She does what they ask of her and they value her input and incorporate her ideas for the greater good of the company. If they didn't, she would leave and take her skills elsewhere.But, in the end, they have the final say in how things go. It should work the same way at home. If a woman has no problem doing that for her job, why not have the same ambition for her relationship? That is, of course given, that she has the kind of man that is capable of taking on the role of head of the household.

    And yes, you did misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with you, or any other woman, knowing what she wants. I think it's a good thing. But, so many women who say they know what they want, actively pursue the exact opposite. That's the point I was trying to make
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 07, 2006 at 03:52 PM


    Luliana write:

    60-40 meaning what exactly? How does that work in real life? 60-40 meaning you have the say-so 60% of the time? Or 60-40 meaning you put in 40% and she puts in 60%? Please explain it to me, if you dont mind.

    And why is it ok for you to say "I know what I want and where I'm going. If a woman can't roll with that, there will be someone who can." and not for me? Or am I misunderstanding you here? When you say that men get ran over by women like me ("mean what I say ...") yet you have the exact same attitude that I have, why am I wrong for it? Why do I have to follow the man
    s tone in the relationship? Is that a law that I have failed to acknowledge? I dont believe anyone - neither the man nor the woman - should be constantly LEADING the relationship. To my understanding, relationships are a team effort and not a dictatorship or a monarchy. I dont need to be led all the time. And I dont want to lead all the time. Im not a dog on a leash. I want to walk side by side .. not 10 steps behind.

    And yep, you
    re right im still a youngin. I have been in relationships the past 10 years .. maybe I still have some game playing to get out of my system.



    Good post Luliana!!!!!
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 05, 2006 at 09:35 PM


    Luliana,
    I'm not bitter...lol Just real. I'm only relating what I've seen from different sides of the "dating game."
    As far as men manipulating women; what's good for the goose is great for the gander. Requiring a man to chase you is a manipulation, in and of itself. So, if women can play that game to manipulate men, why can't men play their game to get what they want? Turn about is always fair play.

    You say women know what they want? Most men don't see it. We see women saying what they want, but ending up with the exact opposite. Then blaming it on men. When it is their choices of men that are the problem.

    Now, I don't know you personally, so you may be different. But, as I've written before, we are not talking about the exceptions. Just the rule.

    What I do know is that playing "the game" is immature.It's something you do when you're finding your way. Women (and men) should not be still finding their way in their 30's 40's and beyond. But, don't sweat it, you're only 28. You have a couple more years left, Youngin'...lol

    As far as the woman "rolling with the man...," I have to quote you on that one, "I say what I mean and I mean what I say." A lot of guys get ran over because because they don't stand up and be men. A man should set the tone for his relationship just like he does with the rest of his life. I'm very respectful of the women I get involved with, and highly supportive their goals.I'm very loving and kind (not my words just what I've always been told. But, I don't believe in 50-50. I'm more of a 60-40(my favor) kind of guy and I don't apologize for it.I know what I want and where I'm going. If a woman can't roll with that, there will be someone who can.

    2006 or 3006. It doesn't matter. A man should be just that; a man. Handle his responsibilities, honor his commitments and set the tone for all aspects of his life. Including his
    relationships.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 05, 2006 at 10:14 AM


    veronica2002 write:
    Samson,

    Many women do not wish to be with a man who already has kids either. It goes both ways. A woman who wants kids may want a man who will be attentive and financially prepared to help raise the kids he fathers with HER. If he already has two or three child support payments to make each month, how can she rely on him to help with the financial burden of the child she wants to have? Trust me, we women do consider these things and disqualify otherwise well-suited men for this very reason.


    I'm not saying that you don't. All I'm saying is that a single father has much less of a hard time in the dating world than a sinlge mother. Like I said, it's not fair, but it's how society percieves him. Plus, he can tell the women he dates all kinds of reasons why he only sees the kids here and there. He can say the mother won't let him see his kids or she had a better lawyer in the divorce and she took everything plus the kids but he does everything he can take care of them. If he works every day and keeps himself up, this makes him seem like a good guy to many women( not all). On the other hand, a woman in the same circumstance gets looked down upon more often than not. It's more of a strike against her because her kids are with her all the time. She can't make up stories that allow her to "pass" as a good catch. If she has her kids, then a lot of men don't want to raise another man's children. If she doesn't have them, then there must be something wrong with her because she doesn't have custody of them (not my line of thinking, but this is what is said behind her back).

    No one, man or woman, wants to be involved with a person who has a bunch of kids from multiple people. In our society, it says something about that person that we don't care for. But, it is easier for a man to get away with it than it is a woman.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 04, 2006 at 08:05 AM


    Samson,

    Many women do not wish to be with a man who already has kids either. It goes both ways. A woman who wants kids may want a man who will be attentive and financially prepared to help raise the kids he fathers with HER. If he already has two or three child support payments to make each month, how can she rely on him to help with the financial burden of the child she wants to have? Trust me, we women do consider these things and disqualify otherwise well-suited men for this very reason.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 02, 2006 at 04:49 PM


    Samma......great post amd I agree with your thoughts...
    Laci follows Silver out the door........SHhhh
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 02, 2006 at 01:49 PM


    Samantha451 write:
    So then, let me get this straight...

    A woman's worth (in the eyes of "most" "good men," is defined by her age, i.e. "Good years," vs "damaged goods" (are women now nothing more than dented cans that fell from the shelf?? *Sama inspects herself for the BEST IF USED BY date* lol)
    or by her proclivities as a breeding machine?
    Hmmm... How very interesting.




    Sama,
    As I said before, I'm commenting more on the perception of women who fit that description. Like I wrote earlier, "It's not fair, but it's true."
    Now a woman's worth is something that is subjective at best. If a man wants kids of his own and a woman he meets can't, or doesn't want kids(or more kids) then her "worth" is diminished to that man. Some men don't' want kids or already have them. So, that kind of woman would be "worth" more to that kind of man.
    Also, some men don't want, or can't afford surrogacy(it can be very expensive). They want kids the old fashioned way.
    I know how it sounds, but if a man wants kids of his own(some guys don't want to adopt either), and that woman can't or won't give that to him because of her past relationship mishaps, then that guy is going to look somewhere else.
    Like I wrote before, I know it sounds harsh, but this is how it is. This is what women who consistently make poor choices in men set themselves up for. They just don't know it and most men won't say these kinds of things in front of them. But they say it to their friends. You'll hear, "She's so sweet to me and she could be the one, but...I want kids and she doesn't want any more." or "...She can't have anymore." Now, men are more apt to let that go, if a woman can't have kids because of some medical problem. But, just because she's done or fed up? That's not his fault. He doesn't want to pay for other men's issues. And, thats where her baggage becomes the problem. I'm just being honest about what some men say and think.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 02, 2006 at 01:03 PM


    Silver1944 write:
    Hon, MOST women I know ALWAYS know EXACTLY what they want and MOST of us aren't looking for a romanticized version of ANY THING. We have our feet planted FIRMLY on terrafirma and not only know what's REAL, but what we REALLY need in our lives.

    I've found your posts very interesting. They are providing some new input in to how men think, but I must admit that some of the statements (like the one above) has raised my eyebrows more than once.

    A couple of others would be:
    Damaged goods??? Nagging & complaining means she doesn't respect you???



    Silver,
    I'll give you that one.. I should not have written "Women don't know what they want..." I should have said "Most single women..."
    Notice I say "most" not "all." As I've said before, there are exceptions to every rule. We are not talking about the exceptions. The women who truly know what they want and need aren't the ones who keep going from cheater to cheater and therefore, not the ones I am writing about.

    As far as the "damaged goods" comment, I'm only referring to the perceptions of these women. However, with that said, some women truly end up being "damaged goods" because they become jaded and closed off. Of course, that goes for men too. When you break it down, baggage is baggage and the more crap a person goes through, the more crap they bring into the next relationship. Sometimes, it's just too much for a healthy love life.

    I stand by the nagging and complaining statement. If a woman nags and complains to her man about something he his not, or doesn't want to be, then she is not accepting him for who he his and is trying to change him. That is disrespectful. I'm sure when she met him, he had all the same qualities. So, why complain now? If a man tries to change his woman into what he thinks she should be, she doesn't feel valued or respected for who she is. Why should it be any different for a man.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 01, 2006 at 01:55 PM


    "Nice guy" / "thug" is a false dichotomy. Most men fall in between.

    Hence, it's not only the "thug" who cheats, but also the "regular" guys (including the powerful CEO, or the university professor, or the brainy inventor with a large number of patents).

    "Nice guys," by definition, do not cheat. Whether that is due to true niceness or to lack of opportunity is an entirely different matter.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 01, 2006 at 05:10 AM


    samson7842 write:
    Oh, I agree. The converse is very true. but, I think it's a little worse for women. I'm not trying to sound like a sexist, but time works against a woman more than it does a man. So, if she wastes all of her "good years" chasing the wrong men, then suddenly "wakes up", she's considered "damaged goods" by most men. The ones that are left are the very same ones that have been dogging her out. That's not always the case. There are exceptions to every rule. But, for the most part, a woman with multiple kids by different guys coupled with the fact that she may not be able to, or want to have more babbies, amounts to too much baggage for guys who have there acts together within that same age group.

    On the other hand, guys usually don't get the stigma that goes with all that. If he has a bunch of kids, but sees them on the weekends, he's considered a "good man." Plus, whatever woman he kicks it with will only have to deal with his children on the weekends, if at all. Also, if she wants children by him, for most men, age doesn't play a role in his ability to reproduce. Unless, he doesn't want to. However, once again, there are exceptions to every rule. It's not fair, but it is true.

    So then, let me get this straight...

    A woman's worth (in the eyes of "most" "good men," is defined by her age, i.e. "Good years," vs "damaged goods" (are women now nothing more than dented cans that fell from the shelf?? *Sama inspects herself for the BEST IF USED BY date* lol)
    or by her proclivities as a breeding machine?
    Hmmm... How very interesting.

    Well, what with surrogacy, etc. ability to parent a child isn't always tied to age. As for not wanting a woman that comes with a ready-made-softball-team for a family...well, I'd think most guys wouldn't want that whether or not they are from the same or different fathers!
    Also, I think there may be one or two full-time single father's on these forums who might argue your "weekend daddy" theory; however, what woman in her right mind would choose to father her child(ren) someone who's only limitedly involved in the lives of his already existing children??
    -Doesn't exactly scream "good daddy material" now does it?
    And regardless of "ability" I don't think most women want fathers of their children one shuffle-step away from the geriatric ward, unless they themselves are nearly there.
    I think maybe a few of the things you mention as being non-issues for men actually do count against them in the eyes of women walking through life with their eyes open.

    Hmmm... Then again, maybe we have different ideas on exactly what constitutes a Good Man.
  • View author's info Posted on May 31, 2006 at 06:12 PM


    Luliana write:
    I don't completely disagree but I think there is more to it.

    For one - like I said in my post in the other thread - the definition of "good guy with a hint of bad boy" varies from woman to woman.

    And secondly, I think in some cases (and I am speaking about the mature, professional, intelligent etc. type of woman) it is indeed not the woman
    s fault she ends up with a player. I use "player" because from the initial post it seems as if only the so-called "thug" cheats and that isn't the case. Those "corporate/professional" men are much worse in most cases, having a wife and kids at home with the mandatory labrador and the white fence. Yet they fly out of town for a "meeting" and sleep their way through all kinds of beds.

    So why do the "good guys" always finish last?

    Playas enjoy the chase and usually put a lot of effort into it whereas "good guys" are either shy or feel that they shouldn
    t have to chase females because of all the great things they have going for themselves. Women want to be chased, we want to see that effort! Only then we feel we are getting the amount of attention we expect. Yes, it is wrong to mistake being chased for true and honest interest. But what can we do? We can only judge you by how you act towards us. Of course we
    re going to choose the one who always calls and gives an arm and a leg to spend time with us (even if it all turns out to be game later on) over the guy that keeps his distance and wants to take things slow .. too slow for us sometimes. To all the "good guys": put more effort into getting who you want!

    And concerning another issue:

    Men always complain about women not knowing what they want and not being able to recognize a good man even when he hits them with a frying pan. Fellas it
    s like this: women know exactly what they want. Trust me.

    So why is your girl/ wife continuously nagging and complaining about you?
    Well, obviously you are not what she wants. She just fell victim to the misconception that she can mold you into the type of person she sees herself with.

    Luliana,
    You are right in the fact that bad boy behavoir isn't limited to one group. There are corporate bad boys just like there are other types. But they all share one thing in common; bad boy traits. That's where it becomes the woman's fault. There are always signs that you are dating someone unfaithful. If you choose to ignore those signs then you get what you get. It's like if you're driving and you ignore the stop sign. When you hit another car, that was all your fault. A player, regardles of his status, can only keep the lie up for so long. Sooner or later things start to slip and there are signs. Plus, women know when things aren't right(women's intuition). A person is supposed to learn from their mistakes. Learn to stop falling for the "okie doke" and everything will be fine...lol

    Playas do enjoy the chase. Once they have you, the chase is over. So, if a woman falls for guys who chase her, get her and play her, don't you think it's time for that woman to try something else? Wouldn't logic dictate that she should start talking to the shy guys. Maybe, they're not chasing her because they have better things to do than chase women. Maybe, you're mistaking self confidence and being secure in one's self as shyness or weakness. See, a man that is secure in his self does not need to chase woman after woman to feel good about himself. Players do. Understand, a secure man doesn't have the need to cheat. Just becuase a man chases you doesn't mean he wants you. Maybe, he just likes the challenge. Take that away and he's on to the next challenge. That's why he's called a "playa" , and you are the "game." Playas' play the "game." It's like hunting, you stalk the "game." Once she is "bagged", you find new prey.

    To all the good guys out there, don't believe the hype! Women who need to be chased are needy and insecure (like playas'). Stick to your guns and find a woman that moves to your speed. Don't chase. 'Cause once you get her, you have to keep being something you're not to keep her. Remember; you are the man. She rolls with you. Not the other way around. You are a nice guy and a good man. It's her loss. If she wants to be chased, let her get chased and played by that playa'. You'll be better off. Remember, there is always another woman.

    Also women really don't know what they want. And, if you really want to know how to get and keep a woman, never ask a woman. They'll tell you a romantized version of what they think they need. If you really want good advice about women, find the guy in your area that has a lot of women. Ask him. There is a reason why he's always got girlfriends.

    Lastly,if you're woman is nagging you and complaining, tell her she can get to steppin' See, she's doing that because she doesn't respect you. You kick her to the curb and mean it. No friendship with her, no buddy, buddy. Just eleminate her from your life. She'll either come to her senses and ask to be forgiven or she'll be gone. Either one is better for you.If she wants to come back, then she knows she can't disrespect you like that anymore. If she doesn't come back, then you are free to find someone better.
  • View author's info Posted on May 30, 2006 at 10:11 PM


    Oh, I agree. The converse is very true. but, I think it's a little worse for women. I'm not trying to sound like a sexist, but time works against a woman more than it does a man. So, if she wastes all of her "good years" chasing the wrong men, then suddenly "wakes up", she's considered "damaged goods" by most men. The ones that are left are the very same ones that have been dogging her out. That's not always the case. There are exceptions to every rule. But, for the most part, a woman with multiple kids by different guys coupled with the fact that she may not be able to, or want to have more babbies, amounts to too much baggage for guys who have there acts together within that same age group.

    On the other hand, guys usually don't get the stigma that goes with all that. If he has a bunch of kids, but sees them on the weekends, he's considered a "good man." Plus, whatever woman he kicks it with will only have to deal with his children on the weekends, if at all. Also, if she wants children by him, for most men, age doesn't play a role in his ability to reproduce. Unless, he doesn't want to. However, once again, there are exceptions to every rule. It's not fair, but it is true.
  • View author's info Posted on May 30, 2006 at 07:16 PM


    samson7842 write:
    Are there any black men left that don't cheat? Sure, there are tons of them. But, most of you will never find them because you think they're boring or "Too nice." Basically, the reason women keep getting cheated on is because women keep picking the wrong types of black men.


    It's no one's fault but your own. I can't tell you how many times I've seen profiles with women looking for a "nice guy with a little thug appeal..." Well, you want a little thug, you get a little thug behavior(or bad boy or what ever it is you'd like to call it).
    Get some kind of counseling to get past whatever it is in your past that makes you want to give your all to a brotha' with "playa" characteristics. Then find a good guy.


    Until then, you'll just continue to date the same guy, with a different face. Why keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Sure, it's OK when you're younger and you don't know any better, but a lot of you are over 30. And believe me when I tell you, there is nothing less attractive to a good man than a grown woman who's dated nothing but players. It speaks volumes about your emotional maturity. Plus, every time you set your self up to get cheated on, you lessen your chances of finding a good man. Why? Because, good black don't want to deal with all that extra luggage you're going to bring into a relationship due to your "thug lovin" past. And, God help you if you have kids by one of these guys. Especially, if you have multiple kids, by different fathers. Of course, each father will be either a player, thug or some combination of both...lol No good black wants to deal with all that. It's bad enough he has to deal with your emotional problems.


    Harsh? Yes, but I'm being real. You want your love life to be right, then get your mind, spirit and therefore maturity level right. Everything else will flow into place.


    You say you can't find a good black man, then that's on you. Not us.





    Great post Samson!!!!! But I think that goes for all relationships..whatever the color......
  • View author's info Posted on May 30, 2006 at 10:54 AM


    Exactly! It has nothing to do with skin color. The type of men(regardless of their race)that a woman chooses to date is always going to cheat on her, if she only picks the so call exiting bad boys.
  • View author's info Posted on May 29, 2006 at 05:24 AM


    Thank goodness! FINALLY someone who seems to GET it!!
    -that it is indeed SOME women who waste years on these loser types, but not ALL women have/do.

    Now
    Please, please, please!!...
    just tell me that you also get the CONVERSE of it as well,
    -the reasons that SOME good guys repeatedly go for the sorts of women who leave them feeling as if they always finish last, and how they will be forever doomed to nothing else until they learn to break that cycle as well.
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