Hi Everyone! This is my first time joining the message board. Very interesting post! For me, I was the only black person in my graduating class. I dated the only black guy - who was two years older than me - in the school for a short period of time. Even so, my first every experience was with white men... prom, first kiss... everything. My step-father is white. He and my mother have been married for 17 years. More than half of my life. In college, I was dead set on dating black men, but white men and other ethnic groups approached me. Not that I did not want them to approach me, I just wanted to know about my own race. I longed for the experience of a healthy same race relationship because I thought one should marry within their own race. My close guy friends told me at the time I was too slim with a big chest and smaller bottom and "too suburban"... black men did not think I would date them or they weren't sure how to approach me. I certainly could NOT believe that to be true... I was devastated at the time. White guys seem to identify with me. No matter how hard I tried, I was still naturally attracted to white men. So I finally decided to let my preferences take over. Hence, I prefer white men, but if the "right" man for me happens to not be white I will not turn away.
On the exterior I appear white and blend into the white community almost seemlessly except for a little bit of cultural differences.
I was born in original Mohawk territory in upstate NY. There was very little interaction with blacks during my youth.
I do, however, remember an instance long long ago. We lived in some housing projects and I must have been 4 or 5 and there was a little black girl downstairs playing outside. I never really thought anything differently of her even though her skin was different. She must have been about 10 years old and there were some older boys there and they were teasing her and calling her "ni**er". They ended up getting me to chime in and lord I remember the azz whoopin I got for that. I didn't know what it was they were saying or why they were saying it. The poor little girl was in tears and I remember feeling guilty, but why the hell was I still saying it? After that day, I became a leader instead of a follower.
When I turned eleven my father got a job transfer to Nash, TN and that is where I remained until I turned 18. For the first time I was immersed in a community which was more racially diverse than that which I had come from. It was sort of frightening at first, but I was young and only knew what others had said.
Anyhow, as the years passed I made more black friends than white and dated a couple black girls from school and a few hispanic ladies as well. I found that I was more attracted to women of color than I was caucasian women. It also appeared that many women of color either picked up on that or were attracted to me for whatever reason as well. So it really just fell into place because it fit.
I don't really view it as a choice. Maybe it is a necessity...? (shrugs)
I love men of all colors. I was raised in an all black neighborhood-as a result, growing up- I was only attracted to Black guys. Then I went to an all White Catholic high school and found the white boys to be irresitable.
To this day, I don't see color when chosing men, BUT- there is something about white guys that is so sexy...
Plus, it such a turn on when I meet white guys who are into black girls..
Mistea and Professor,
I really enjoyed your posts, as they were extraordinarily enlightening. Just hope each of you would be compelled to post a bit more often.
This philosophy of "meeting the family" also applies to both genders. Personally, I tend to rely over the past few years upon whether or not the lady wishes for me to meet her family when things are getting "serious", as a very good marker of whether or not the relationship is something worthy over the long-term.
find1 write: I grew up in an all white town with the black exceptions being my sisters and cousins and very few asians that wouldn't have anything to do with a brother. Are we somewhat brainwashed?
Probably. If I had a nickle for every guy that has told me "You're really pretty for a black girl. Are you from (insert random country here)" I'd have a down payment on a nice house in Georgetown. I usually appreciate the compliment but I find that the "for a black girl" qualifier makes it kind of back handed.
The media gives us a guide for forming opinions about beauty. "Hollywood" is choc full of beautiful people; yet, you can probably count all of the minority "it" people on both hands. Generally, I don't find these it people to be the best representations; eg Sandra Oh, JLo, Boris what's-his-name.
professorx write: I only dated black women because I needed the "security" that the comfort of my culture provided because I didn't want to feel "isolation" from my own people! I guess my past experience still dictates my actions even to this day. ... I feel that true love can be found in any race if your heart is color blind."
I definitely share your sentiments. I grew up in an enviornment that was << 1 percent black (I can actually say I dated every black guy in my HS - all two of them). Even then, IR dating was a big deal. Though I formed solid friendships with white/asian guys, I never thought to date them. In fact, it wasn't until after undergrad that I started dating non-black guys.
There were several reasons for my apprehension, but my biggest concern was being a hypocrite. I knew alot of people (not to mention certain high profile black celebrities) who dated "anything but black" for less than noble reasons. I always felt that these people exhibited a fair amount of self hatred and feared that if I were date interracially I would be just as guilty. At the time, I didn't understand that, like any group of people, there are going to be people who fit the negative stereotype, but for every person who is insincere about IR dating, there are 10 people who are merely looking for their soulmate, regardless of color.
Will he choose to be with me or ultimately is society and tribal conditioning going to have precedence?
Belief systems are powerful. They are agreements that we choose to make. Those agreements serve some emotional need within us. We can make new agreements, however, we tend to be creatures of habit.
Dating is hard...but it's not rocket science either. The signs are always there! It's whether or not your spirit will let your mind see them.
I will "publicly violate" one of the sacred men "secrets." If you are wondering if a relationship across "racial lines" has long term potential remember this...
...meeting friends is only a "smoke screen"...a person with a color blind heart will introduce you to family members if he truly is serious about a long term committment. A real man (not a just a grown up male) will commit to new agreements whether excepted by friends/family or not! It's the "exposure" that reveals the relationships "potential!" Remember there are still a lot of "grown up men" thats "tribal" influences have been engraved for 400 years. They still just want to hang out in "Master's House!" A mentality in society that still goes both ways because black men/women are victims of this too...in reverse!
I have dated within my race for the majority of my life. Growing up in an poor urban environment didn't allow me to have the "options" that people in more integrated communities had when selecting mates. It wasn't until I went away to college that I realized what it truly felt like to be a minority in this country. The black poplulation at my university was less than 1%. At my university most white women would not date black men unless you were an athlete. (Which I was but I still had a lot black friends that were not) However if a black man dated a white women...the sista's on campus would never date him again! So I only dated black women because I needed the
"security" that the comfort of my culture provided because I didn't want to feel "isolation" from my own people! I guess my past experience still dictates my actions even to this day. If I go out...it is much easier for me to approach a black woman than a white woman. I still date more black women than white women now! I have opened my heart to accept any woman of any race that can turn the "catepillars in my heart into butterflies!" I feel that true love can be found in any race if your heart is color blind. Yet my past is always a reminder of how cold the world can truly be! I would never "stop" dating black woman because in my heart I still believe that doing so...would reflect "self hate!"
I can be in a room full of white men.....and a black man can walk by and turn my head every time.
I have always dated who makes me happy, someone who can cause me to look deep in there eyes. That special one that gives me those deep laughs that make me to fall out of my chair or give me butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I have dated many different races. I am intrested in many areas out side my own. But It never fails .....Like the comment I too find this true for some reason....lol.....I have a freind that states that I must have on my forhead "I date black men "
I agree, Bigsam..Very well said.And to be honest, I don't care about color either. However, when one has several bad experiences with a group of men or women, be they black, white, yellow, whatever, they paint the entire group as being such. Is it unfair? Of course it is. Am I guilty, hell yes I am, and it's something I have personally come to grips and dealt with. For a long time, I held on to the notion that "All sistas have "tude", but I realize that is not true at all. I know that there are good and bad women in EVERY race. While not everyone feels that way and are jaded by negative experiences with certain groups, everyone has their own reasons for being here. Also, since I do date IR, that doesn't mean I have anything against BW, nor does it mean I have sworn them off. Hope I made sense.
Very good topic. I grew up in the deep south in a very segregated town in an all black area during my teen years in the late 70s and 80s. I was taught to give "your own" a chance first, and that's what I did. I just never got the attention or response from black girls. Soon, I was getting attention from a few white girls at my school. Though I wish it were from my own, I welcomed it nevertheless.
At the time though, IR dating was definitely out of the question..You were risking not only alienation from family and friends, but other things as well, including your personal safety. However, no one could deny there was a secret attraction between the races at my school back then, between not only WW/BM, but BW/WM.
A year or so later, We moved to another state and I met a white girl who did not attend my new school. While it was physical attraction, we had a lot in common and enjoyed the same things. At first, we saw each other secretly , but gradually started going out in public. There were things said to me, such as I was a "traitor", etc., but I didn't care.
I then graduated, went into the armed forces, was sent overseas and we drifted apart..But still, I could say she was my first love. Looking back, I wish things had turned out differently so that we could have stayed together. Honestly, she could have been any color.
I got out of the service, then went to college. I tried to get the attention of a few sistas, but again, it seemed to be the white women showing interest in me more. I have also always had a lot of attention from Puerto Rican women as well. Hey, the world is a big place. Why limit yourself to one race?
*For the record*, I know there are some wonderful African American sistas out there..I guess I just didn't run into them. It probably wasn't meant to be. For whatever reasons, we just didn't "click".