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  • View author's info Author Posted on Dec 18, 2005 at 03:52 PM


    If a couple are split emotionally, etc. and yet still legally married and living together, is it wrong for them to date others? Or should they totally leave their residence, make it legal before entering into any other relationship?
    Also, how soon after a divorce is it healthy to start a new relationship?

    Come on y'all lets talk about this......
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  • View author's info Posted on Dec 16, 2009 at 08:51 AM


    Quoting RichardBruce68:

    I don't agree with anyone trying to put their rules on someone else without a significant degree of justification and a reliable measure of truth and accuracy.

    What if it was a loveless marriage that lasted 18 years because that was the child's age? What if the "spouses" had separate rooms and celibate lives for the the last 5 or 10 or 15 years? What if the separation is legal and filed but the divorce is being dragged out by a vindictive wife, controlling husband or simply a complicated estate that is proving difficult for them to separate as fairly as they would like so they are taking great care and time to increase the fairness? What if it's been 2 or 3 years since the separation was filed and occured with an expected / appropriate drop in interaction?

    I guess my point is different people are in different places even though they appear the same. One person's been divorced for two years but has continued messing with their ex during that period (arguing, dating, sleeping together, passing money back and forth, all that). How does that person compare to the one that has been separated for two years, spent some time examining their own goals and behaviors - because it's a healthy thing they do regularly not because a relationship ended, continues pursuing a divorce that is not forthcoming while participating in their child's/childrens' life/lives? They don't compare. Not at all. I'll date that separated person (as long she's a woman and a lady) but not the divorced one. The decree aside, those two are still committed to each other and invested in their relationship, as negatively as it may be or not.

    Of course I always viewed the mutual commitment as the truely significant "thing". Not a ring or a marriage license. One's a symbol and the other is a legal protection of rights that is often abusive towards women. That's right, I've got hippies and feminists in my family. Which leads to my final arguments. First, screw the rules or at least change them. Second, if you say you remember Woodstock then you weren't really there.



    This is my first post, I am new to the site but I agree with you.

    I hope people don't Judge me without knowing all that I have gone though and continue to go through. But I don't care if they do because I wish I had the luxury that their inexperience affords them to judge me and others who are similarly situated.

    Experience (which is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.) has shown me that a piece of paper does not mean much. My relationship with my wife changed for the worse AFTER we got married.

    I have been faithful for the last 17 years, even after being cheated on. I am 40 now and I feel like I deserve to try to be happy too!

    I am a kind, good human being and a great Dad to my child whom I love very much. I am educated and successful. I feel like I am being brave in trying to find the right women even if I am shackled to the wrong one.
  • View author's info Posted on Nov 12, 2009 at 08:08 PM


    I don't agree with anyone trying to put their rules on someone else without a significant degree of justification and a reliable measure of truth and accuracy.

    What if it was a loveless marriage that lasted 18 years because that was the child's age? What if the "spouses" had separate rooms and celibate lives for the the last 5 or 10 or 15 years? What if the separation is legal and filed but the divorce is being dragged out by a vindictive wife, controlling husband or simply a complicated estate that is proving difficult for them to separate as fairly as they would like so they are taking great care and time to increase the fairness? What if it's been 2 or 3 years since the separation was filed and occured with an expected / appropriate drop in interaction?

    I guess my point is different people are in different places even though they appear the same. One person's been divorced for two years but has continued messing with their ex during that period (arguing, dating, sleeping together, passing money back and forth, all that). How does that person compare to the one that has been separated for two years, spent some time examining their own goals and behaviors - because it's a healthy thing they do regularly not because a relationship ended, continues pursuing a divorce that is not forthcoming while participating in their child's/childrens' life/lives? They don't compare. Not at all. I'll date that separated person (as long she's a woman and a lady) but not the divorced one. The decree aside, those two are still committed to each other and invested in their relationship, as negatively as it may be or not.

    Of course I always viewed the mutual commitment as the truely significant "thing". Not a ring or a marriage license. One's a symbol and the other is a legal protection of rights that is often abusive towards women. That's right, I've got hippies and feminists in my family. Which leads to my final arguments. First, screw the rules or at least change them. Second, if you say you remember Woodstock then you weren't really there.
  • View author's info Posted on May 11, 2006 at 10:56 AM


    I think that waiting is the best. I started talking to people before things were well underway and that was wrong. The marriage was over but not completed. It is best to complete the details before you start something else. And as a lot of you have said, there is usually some personal housekeeping needed doing to ensure emotional health for yourself and in the next relationship. I am very concerned about dragging old baggage into a new situation so I have been working very hard to resolve old issues, including coming to a very nice peace with my ex. I wish in the beauty of marriage we had found the skills and ability to make it work as I do believe in marriage. But this is a hind site 20/20 situation. The divorce is final and unfortunately as well as fortunately, it is for the best.
  • View author's info Posted on May 06, 2006 at 12:55 AM


    I have to agree with wiseflower and phea.
    Its wrong to date -whatever one's definition of that may be- while still married.
    You've made vows. One of which is to try to do all possible to fix what's broke in your marriage. Or better yet, not let it get to the broken stage.
    To break such vows is unethical. To yourself, to your spouse, and to whomever you might be dating.
    But if you just cannot do this and divorce results...
    After the divorce how long should you wait to start dating seriously, with the intent toward becoming involved with someone new?
    As long as it takes for you to heal whatever it is about you that prevented you from keeping faith with your first set of marriage vows.

    If the divorce was because it was your former spouse who was intent on breaking faith with their marriage promises to you, then I'd certainly say that, after the dissolution of your marriage you should also wait long enough to figure out:

    Why you formerly married someone incapable of taking their marriage vows seriously?
    Did you rush into it?
    Did you not know their character well enough before marrying them?
    Did it not matter to you that they could not keep their marriage promises of working to resolve problems, so long as they'd be "yours"... for a while anyway?

    Was it Einstien who defined insanity as doing the same things over and over in the same way, yet expecting the results to be different??
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 30, 2006 at 06:37 PM


    Mellow!

    Well everybody had their own way, knowing when to start dating again.

    I needed time to heal from the 'wounds' my ex has caused me. I knew that I had to heal first before I can go on emotionally.
    I'm ready to go on.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 29, 2006 at 08:57 AM


    Being married and being "split emotionally" are a contradiction of terms to me. Why would anyone stay married if they have no emotional connection to each other? And if they choose to then start having an open relationship it's no skin off my nose so long as they are honest with their new potential partner(s). Not many will go for it though.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 28, 2006 at 06:46 PM


    Now what really is a 'date'? If a date is going out to dinner and eventually sharing a movie afterwards, is that really so wrong even though you are just separated (but hopefully not living together anymore)? I guess for us folks that are separated (and being in the process of divorcing) we are mostly looking for new friends, and IF things develop from there that may be a different story. I am not divorced yet, but will be in a few days (WOOHOO), but I have no issues - morally or otherwise - to go out with a man and have a great conversation and a glass of wine with that particular person.

    Now, I can agree to when it gets into anything further, then I have issues with morals and believe that one SHOULD wait at least until the signature on the divorce decree is dry.

    As others in here already mentioned - it also depends on the individuals maturity and the ability to deal with the past and start a new chapter in their life, for me - heck i'm ready to make some new friends and who knows what can happen...
  • View author's info Posted on Dec 25, 2005 at 06:45 PM


    if u are unhappy in a current realtionship... then u need to leave why start something fresh with "baggage" ... i've heard of rebounds but i never understood it ...after my ex and i broke up i needed time to reflect on things ... i wanted to be damn sure of what i want and what i don't want... for then i'll be a repeat offender and down the road the same crap will be happening ...the truth is, if u date idiots it's because u pick idiots, period (u know that saying once bitten , twice shy)... the only person u can be held accountable for is u,...if u look for external sources for validation u will always be making the same mistakes .... because u have not taken the time to reflect on what u need to do ...and if u are single and dating someone who has unfinished business ...what does that say about u?...u have already started something that is not invested 100% by the other individual ...leave them alone ..if it's meant to be it will happen ...once again i feel the problem with society is instant gratification ...everyone wants everythng now .. take ur time, what is the rush?...give me a couple more years maybe i'll be singing a different tune ...
  • View author's info Posted on Dec 25, 2005 at 05:27 AM


    I think usually, whether someone wants to admit it or not, there is healing and work that needs to be done after a divorce.
    It's a time to try to find one's own center again before trying to find someone else.
    I don't date "separated" people.
  • View author's info Posted on Dec 24, 2005 at 01:53 AM


    Well, in some parts of the world getting a divorce is nearly impossible, so in those cases it'd be ok, IMO.
  • View author's info Posted on Dec 21, 2005 at 02:54 AM


    I was with the same man for 20 years. Divorced after 18 years of marriage and 1 child. Emtionally it took me about 10 years to want another man. I had a young child to think about. And even though my ex wanted me to find someone while we were still married, I didn't. I think he just wanted to justify the fact that he was having an affair. I had a wonderful relationship with another man and it lasted for 3 years. And I still don't know what happened no fighting or arguing he just stopped answering my emails, and calls. No explanation or anything. Hopefully someday I will find a wonderful loving relationship.
  • View author's info Posted on Dec 18, 2005 at 06:07 PM


    mellow007 write:
    If a couple are split emotionally, etc. and yet still legally married and living together, is it wrong for them to date others? Or should they totally leave their residence, make it legal before entering into any other relationship?
    Also, how soon after a divorce is it healthy to start a new relationship?

    Come on y'all lets talk about this......


    Since I don't read profiles of men, from time to time I do see profiles of women who are listed as married, or separated. Honestly, I would never consider having a relationship with a married person, and "separated" means she is still married. I don't understand it from a moral perspective. If I were a married man in an unhappy marriage, there is no way I would join a dating service on line or offline.

    As far as divorce is concerned, I believe that many people experience a "healing period" prior to entering into another relationship. It makes a lot of sense. So, to answer your question, Yes, it is morally wrong to date other people while you are still married to someone else.
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