i know what i want as a woman, the answer do men honestly know what they looking for in a woman.... my mother told me long time ago don't marry an cacausian,puetro rican, mexican,asian, african...who was left in my opinion my mother had not so experiences with these type of men to not spare me the pain...however who was i to marry or share my life with? ...men look inside your yourself other than your dockers...women contuinue to search there is someone out there for us to have... out of five billion people....
Panyin1 write: Its already scary for me as a man to think about this question. But I will say this;
If women don't know what they really want, then what the heaven do I think I know.
Its part of the game men!! If we want an easy way out a relation, then we should better keep on trying. Harder!.
Reading what you wrote evokes a response from me that is straight from my heart and totally honest, I hope you can handle my truth. As I really enjoyed yours. Thanks for sharing it... I'm really feeling that right now!
But really a lot of guys (not all guys)do want an easy way out. And it has made women (like me) be more careful and cautious. (Like Sade the songwritter once wrote in one of her songs... somebody already broke my heart!) And sometimes makes us look back a try to access the situation and see where we went wrong. Perhaps it may not even have anything to do with us. It's just that the guy wasn't really looking for what we may have thought he was looking for. Still the next guy is before me (hypothically speaking with every email or wink) ... and what do I do? (And this only becomes a problem if I am actually attracted to the guy and decide to take some course of action, which is very rare.) I hesitate and maybe not show him the enthusiasm he deserves. And it's not his fault. (Like another songwritter said...the fault is Love) But still the reality of the situation is there. The realization of excess baggage. Stuff I needed to shake off. The real me wants to reach out and just grab this new guy and run to see the sunrise and sunet. But I feel like I'm in a vacuum... and in that moment of hesitation... whether it's a not so enthusiastic reply to an email or a bad first day of communicating... that first impression is formed and the moment is lost. Like the pregnant pause. You can't go back and tell that person how you feel. It's over before it even began. And in my case this has led to me removing my profiles from various sites. (But I so do enjoy these posts, so here I am still). Because as much as I know what I want.. I believe it will take a very strong man to reach me. And today guys just have too many options open to them to deal with someone that may have issues. Although I am working every issue in my life and feel free I still have moments where I hesitate. I can see clearly what I want and sometimes it is within my grasp.... but !!!####***&&&& I still pause, stop, think, have my moments of reflection... and wonder... Knowing what you want is easy.... getting what you want takes wisdom and a whole lot of other stuff I am learning. It's a work in progress for me.
POPFresh write: I think most people know what they want but they have no clue how to get it. Most often replicating what their parents did. That goes for women and men. If mommy and daddy dont lead the kind of life that you want for yourself, it's time to break away from the nest. Or you'll end up just like them. There's also the problem of honesty within oneself. Most people have an over-inflated perception of themselves. People want to believe they have characteristics that they dont. So they appear to be dishonest or game-players. When in reality people just dont know who they are. For example. Ninety percent of you say you're laid back on your profiles. Lol. Be real. If I were a bum on the streets and asked for money I'd see that you're not. If I cut you off on the road, I'm sure you wouldnt be "laid back". Once you make love and your feelings are involved...are you still "laid back"? Of course not. Most of us are "laid back" in the BEGINNING. That's easy. Be honest with yourselves and you can honestly present yourselves to others.
cyupanqui write: ... 6) So instead of being a wasteland of open-minded people just about giving up, it is an environment filled with uptight people who tend to know very well who they want and how they want him/her, reason why they are unlikely to have found love around the corner (no one is good enough for them). ...
Interesting post overall C.
I'm not sure I entirely agree with it.
One thing I do disagree with is the 'no one is good enough for them' portion above.
This statement implies a certain air of superiority.
I certainly don't think that no one is good enough for me, ergo, I am better than any man just around the corner.
I do think that the local men I've met recently and dated are not well suited to me, nor I to them.
Not enough common views, interests, or goals.
Those things and a few other critical elemental things are important enough to me to outweigh any initial attraction as a basis for a relationship.
Just because I've chosen to expand my area of interaction to include an online community doesn't mean I've entirely given up on the possibility I'll find someone who's well suited to me and I to him...
just around ANY corner.
Knowing what you need
Is more than knowing what you want.
It?s a kind of clear eyed wisdom
To see what is worthless.
It?s touching on someone
Who you know won?t turn away.
It?s reaching for something
That?s really worth the climb.
And it?s learning to let go
When it isn?t.
Knowing what you need
Is more than knowing what makes you feel good right now.
It?s knowing that the same thing
Will make you feel good again.
I won?t call him.
Yep, PHEA.....you got what I meant about the "growing in love" thing.
Well, I've "done the rounds" in other online dating places now, and I have noticed some things.
1) Online dating sites are geared mostly to people who "know what they want," ergo they tend to be quite specific in their profiles and/or their searches.
2) The reason for this must be fairly obvious: the Internet is like Cosco times a million: here you are likely to find whatever you want, even if it is a rather uncommon combination (chances are, s/he will be far from your location, though).
3) Some sites are geared to the more "normal" folks, some to people a bit off the norm, and some to total wackos. But the point is that all of them (normals, specials and wackos) have a good idea where they fit to start their search.
4) Hence, people come online with a shopping list of characteristics they want in a partner--which is great for those men and women who possess at least a few of such characteristics.
5) The stereotype of those searching for love online as socially inept (because they can't meet a partner in real life) is not just wrong but the opposite of what seems the truth: dating places online as filled with overachievers looking for people who may fit their shopping list of desirable characteristics.
6) So instead of being a wasteland of open-minded people just about giving up, it is an environment filled with uptight people who tend to know very well who they want and how they want him/her, reason why they are unlikely to have found love around the corner (no one is good enough for them).
So I can completely understand why the focus is on "knowing" who you want, since this is like catalog shopping. I still prefer the serendipity factor of being surprised by my own feelings once in a while.
sleeplessinvirginia write: I'm with with Yasmin on this. It also sounds as if this fellow is frustrated probably due to the fact that he is trying to give women what "HE" wants and not what they are asking for. If he listens and watches carefully he might be surprised what he "learns". I would be interested to know how many females he grew up with. I had 3 sisters and my beautiful mother all of whom taught me well.
P.S. And isn't the difference men and women a wonderful thing?
What have you learned? don't you have a girlfriend? Of course you do - I'm a friend of hers. Did they teach you to do this behind her back? She'd be HEARTBROKEN!
I think most people know what they want but they have no clue how to get it. Most often replicating what their parents did. That goes for women and men. If mommy and daddy dont lead the kind of life that you want for yourself, it's time to break away from the nest. Or you'll end up just like them. There's also the problem of honesty within oneself. Most people have an over-inflated perception of themselves. People want to believe they have characteristics that they dont. So they appear to be dishonest or game-players. When in reality people just dont know who they are. For example. Ninety percent of you say you're laid back on your profiles. Lol. Be real. If I were a bum on the streets and asked for money I'd see that you're not. If I cut you off on the road, I'm sure you wouldnt be "laid back". Once you make love and your feelings are involved...are you still "laid back"? Of course not. Most of us are "laid back" in the BEGINNING. That's easy. Be honest with yourselves and you can honestly present yourselves to others.
jdavis123 write: PDX - Don't believe for a second people don't fall in love anymore. This happens, and love at first sight happens. It just happens much less then love growing in stages.
Cyup - I get what you are saying. I guess the important thing is what you mean by saying you know what you want. I know exactly what I want. But I could not describe her in looks and probably not personality either. Sounds like I don't know what I want after all - but I do.
What I want can only be described in abstracts. I want a strong attraction. She absolutely must be openminded both in normal life and the bedroom. She has to be optimistic and happy. She has to love me as much as I love her. I couldn't describe any more though. The rest is more of a 'feel' to it then a reason. This is where it's less intellect and more emotional.
Most of the people here say they know what they want, my guess is at least a third really don't. I mean we all thought so before our past relationships - didn't work out so good did it? Now all of a sudden we think we have the market covered on romance, LOL.
So as much as I say I know what I want, I also know that "I don't really".
Believing I do know - this gives me a goal, a plan, and I can go with confidence after my goal. Realizing that my knowledge is flawed (or even incorrect) allows me to be open-minded and constantly questioning things along the way.
I wish I could explain this better but it is a very abstract thing.
I don't know about you jdavis....hmm..
first you know what you want...and then you don't? And what you do want is "abstract." Let's hope you find yourself an "abstract woman." lol
HEY...I'm joking...don't get mad.
I think I know what PDX was talking about when she mentioned people don't fall in love much any more. Although I don't agree with her statement(people are still "falling in love" plenty these days).
I would like to talk about the differences in FALLING IN LOVE and
GROWING TO BE IN LOVE.
In my profile, I mentioned that "falling in love" is a psychosocial mechanism designed to get men and women to suspend their rational judgment just long enough to get married, have children, etc., at which time they can return once again to their senses to deal with decisions that were made in the cloud of "falling in love." Come on...think about. When we're in love, we can do some pretty stupid and illogical things(I know I have). It is often a narcissistic act in which we idealize the other person, thus making him/her the reflection of our own deeply felt needs, desires, and expectations. We really don't fall in love with another "real person, " only our idealized(upgraded)version of that person. I know, I know...this is some HEAVY STUFF!!!
How does GROWING TO BE IN LOVE differ from Falling in Love?
Both requires a process...no question about that! But, in my experience, growing to be in love with someone is far more practical in terms of having more solid, long term relationships. There is more logic involved as opposed to the illogic that's contained within the phenomenon of falling in love.
You see...during this growth process(growing in love), the man and the woman have a more logical time frame to assess things, whether in fact there will be a serious romantic relationship or not. This is a process of developing affection and trust through knowledge and, yes it takes time(as opposed to love at first sight). But out of this process LOVE IS MANIFESTED.
OK, I'm done. Everyone make a single file to the back of the room, and I take all major credit cards, and currencies--sorry, no checks, but American dollars are fine.
jdavis123 write: Believing I do know - this gives me a goal, a plan, and I can go with confidence after my goal. Realizing that my knowledge is flawed (or even incorrect) allows me to be open-minded and constantly questioning things along the way.
This ^ is possibly the most succintly and accurately stated explanation for that seemingly "not knowing what one wants" on this thread so far.