Cold feet relationships Forward to friends

  • View author's info Author Posted on May 20, 2006 at 11:30 AM


    This week I came to Naples Florida to celebrate the union in marriage of a good high school friend and his long time girlfriend of 8 years. Upon arriving at the airport on Thursday another high school friend told me about his lunch earlier that day with the groom to be and the case of cold feet he was having. He expressed some serious doubts about whether we would be attending a wedding on this Saturday. He then proceeded to fill me in on the details.

    Apparently there were some severe communication and trust issues with the both of them. To the extent that neither one of them were allowed to leave the house for a night out with their friends unless they were in the company of each other.

    My friend had also been burnt in marriage once before by finding out his wife was seeing another man and then getting hit with an unexpected divorce. He suffered both emotionally and financially from that first marriage. Unfortunately he did not learn all the lessons that he needed to from it as pretty much the same kind of behavior has him back in similar position with even more to lose this time around if things go badly.

    Anyway they were seeing a marriage counselor to help get past their issues, but my friend wanted to postpone the wedding for 6 months until they had finished counseling. They only got engaged three months ago. Her response was an ultimatum, get married this weekend or she was packing up and moving out never to see or speak to him again.

    Quite frankly I'm amazed that after 8 years of being together they still had so many issues to resolve. Just goes to show that it is not the quantity of time a couple spends together that matters, but rather what they do with it that really counts.

    Around 10 PM Thursday night the wedding was called off. It makes no sense to me why he did not slow things down back when he first proposed. But I give him some credit for having the balls to cancel it at the last hour even with family and friends arriving in town.

    To me that took a certain amount of courage when the easier course of action, especially given her ultimatum and his love for her would have been to go through the motions and try to sort it all out after they were married.

    If you somehow found yourself in a similar situation where at the 12th hour you were getting something far more severe than a case of cold feet, could you cancel the wedding? Or would you go through with it and just hope for the best after you were married?


    My own answer is to hope that I would not let things progress to that point but that if they did, I would have the courage to not follow through on something I did not truly believe in.
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  • View author's info Posted on May 14, 2014 at 01:41 PM


    I don't and will never understand why people think being married will solve their. Relationship problems ,problems need to b worked out before marriage come up how ever we are humans so we all make mistakes or get carried away at times thus calling off a wedding at the last minute once your sure its the best thing to do or the reasons for not getting married out weighs the reasons for getting married.its way better than divorce or a unhappy marriage.

  • View author's info Posted on Feb 25, 2010 at 10:13 AM


    Very immature on both sides; sad to say though, that is the state of our country as far as relationships go, many have not grown up yet and think they can do whatever they want to...
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 30, 2007 at 07:52 AM


    Friends of mine cancelled their wedding scheduled for December of 2006 because they had some issues to work through.

    I was so very, very happy when they were united in marriage on June 8, 2007. They were wise; they completed their counseling and work through their issues.

    Yes, I could and would cancel a wedding ceremony if there were "unresolved issues." It's best.
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 07, 2006 at 02:01 PM


    "Apparently there were some severe communication and trust issues with the both of them. To the extent that neither one of them were allowed to leave the house for a night out with their friends unless they were in the company of each other."

    This to me is the answer to the question. But it was careless on the part of the groom to let everyone plan and prepare for the wedding, spend money, have people mark that day on the calendar, etc. I'm sure it wasn't an "epiphany", but rather desperation in the last hour that forced him to cancel the wedding. He obviously saw the signs along the way. Who knows why he didn't cancel sooner? Maybe I won't understand this coming from the female perspective. But what a huge waste of energy and money and planning.
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 05, 2006 at 11:57 AM


    Hmmm...there may be more to the story than what we know! I have been in a similar situation as he was (Attempted to be taken to the cleaners in a divorce) it is a very, painful reminder how you loved someone else and than both of you are enemies the next minute. In my opinion (please don't flame me) the courts are not fair on all levels in divorces or child custody matters. I think you ladies have a good upper hand in all these matters. Once a man goes through this the first time, it makes it very hard to say I do the second time around. With all these high divorce rates going on in the USA, does it makes since to get married now days? Yes, I believe in love. Yes, I believe in Romance and want a lifetime partner. There is a huge unfair and bias in courts today in my opinion. Until the courts get restructured to be fair, I don't see anything changing and many more people will just live together and not get married. A comedian made a funny reference...if current rate of divorce was like 50% and you were in a plane and you were given a parachute to jump out a burning plane and knowing you had a 50/50 chance it working ....would you jump?

    I respect the gentleman in making the correct decision that he made. He was not sure that the parachute was going to work and decided not to jump.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 19, 2006 at 09:25 AM


    First, I don?t do ultimatums. If placed in that position, that would have been the goodbye point for me. Families are not built on ultimatums. Families are built with friendships, partnerships that love and respect each other. Intimacy is based on being vulnerable and allowing your partner to be true to themselves, as you should be. There is no place for ultimatums in intimacy. That's control.

    Be grateful that things progressed the way they did. Save your friend some heartache in the end.
  • View author's info Posted on May 24, 2006 at 12:50 PM


    Yes, I too agree with Phea & Cimmie.

    Still, speaking from a woman's perspective...

    Myself, I'd be pretty darned P.O.'d for a good long while that he DID let things go that far.

    Ladies, am I right or what?
    Lol
  • View author's info Posted on May 24, 2006 at 12:24 AM


    I agree with Phea, it's strange that someone let the situation get so advanced, but canceling was the only sensible thing to do, at that point.
  • View author's info Posted on May 20, 2006 at 01:28 PM


    bm6ft4in write:


    Apparently there were some severe communication and trust issues with the both of them. To the extent that neither one of them were allowed to leave the house for a night out with their friends unless they were in the company of each other.

    My friend had also been burnt in marriage once before by finding out his wife was seeing another man and then getting hit with an unexpected divorce. He suffered both emotionally and financially from that first marriage. Unfortunately he did not learn all the lessons that he needed to from it as pretty much the same kind of behavior has him back in similar position with even more to lose this time around if things go badly.

    Quite frankly I'm amazed that after 8 years of being together they still had so many issues to resolve. Just goes to show that it is not the quantity of time a couple spends together that matters, but rather what they do with it that really counts.


    To me that took a certain amount of courage when the easier course of action, especially given her ultimatum and his love for her would have been to go through the motions and try to sort it all out after they were married.

    If you somehow found yourself in a similar situation where at the 12th hour you were getting something far more severe than a case of cold feet, could you cancel the wedding? Or would you go through with it and just hope for the best after you were married?


    My own answer is to hope that I would not let things progress to that point but that if they did, I would have the courage to not follow through on something I did not truly believe in.


    Interesting dilemma. I don't know why your friend allowed things to progress to the extent that they did. No one should ever allow themselves to succumb to someone else's ultimatum, particularly when it comes to a life changing event like a marriage. Based on your description of the relationship, there were RED FLAGS everywhere.

    Personally, I would have ended the relationship with her long before any talk of marriage(considering the issues that were present)had transpired.

    I'd rather suffer the embarassment of a cancelled wedding during the 12th hour, than suffer years of unhappiness and ignominy.
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