Focus Laughter is the best medicine

  • View author's info Posted on Jun 01, 2006 at 10:14 PM

    Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have though!?!

    Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

    Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

    A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

    A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

    Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

    A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

    A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

    An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

    A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

    A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!
  • View author's info Posted on May 26, 2006 at 02:58 PM

    Why We're All So Tired

    For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason.

    I'm tired because I'm overworked.

    The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

    Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me.

    And you're sitting there reading jokes on the web.
  • View author's info Posted on May 25, 2006 at 10:03 AM

    You may laugh out loud.
    Especially those of you who have ever had any waxing done......or even thought about it....
    You can almost feel the pain...
    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now...the wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
    my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
    So I headed to the site of my demise:
    the bathroom.
    It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm, and you peel
    them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
    not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

    (YA THINK!?!)...

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
    I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
    ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
    I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull.
    It works!
    OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!? I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my knickers and place one foot on the commode.
    Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my bum cheek (Yes, it was a long
    strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself ...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!!
    Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
    CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
    crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...
    OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
    There's no hair on it.
    Where is the hair???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the commode. I see the hair!
    -The hair that should be on the strip.
    I touch.
    I am touching wax.
    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.?Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the throne? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
    DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
    *hoo-hoo*? - Sealed shut!
    Bum?? - Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself! "What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit.
    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax!??
    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
    It's a very good conversation starter...
    "So, my bum and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
    "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"
    She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
    YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.? It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
    "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
    I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
    THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

    So I recklessly shave it off.
    Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
    Now that's funny!........
  • View author's info Posted on May 24, 2006 at 01:15 PM

    A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
  • View author's info Posted on May 20, 2006 at 01:32 AM

    Letter to Redneck Son

    Dearest Son

    I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

    We don't live where we did when you left home.
    Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

    I won't be able to send you the address because the last
    Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
    when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is really nice.
    It even has a washing machine.
    I'm not sure about it.
    I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
    We haven't seen them since.

    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

    Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
    she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
    another foot since she last saw you.

    About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
    We were really worried because it took him two hours
    to get me and your father out.

    Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

    Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
    Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
    Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
    They drowned because they couldn't get
    the tailgate down.

    There isn't much more news at this time.
    Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

    Your Favorite Aunt,

  • View author's info Posted on May 10, 2006 at 02:24 PM

    The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
    Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
    "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
    "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
    Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
  • View author's info Posted on May 10, 2006 at 02:18 PM

    As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

    1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

    2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

    3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

    4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
    "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

    5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

    6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

    7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

    8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
    have a use by date?

    9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
    horrible crisp no one would eat?

    10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

    11. What do people in China call their good plates?

    12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

    14. What do you call male ballerinas?

    15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

    16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

    17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

    18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

    20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

    21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
    you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

    22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your a$$?

    23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
  • View author's info Posted on May 08, 2006 at 09:26 PM

    Dad's Dating Rules

    RULE 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    RULE 2: You'd better not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    RULE 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off the hips. I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so, I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    RULE 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    RULE 5: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back to my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is "early".

    RULE 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    RULE 7: As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    RULE 8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
    T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
    zipped up to her throat; movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
    be avoided; movies that feature chainsaws are okay; hockey games are okay, old folk's homes are better.

    RULE 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    RULE 10: Be afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
    and then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
  • View author's info Posted on May 01, 2006 at 10:35 PM

    Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.?

    "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"?

    "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"?
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 30, 2006 at 05:25 PM

    A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 27, 2006 at 09:12 PM

    "Jessica Simpson says she wants to star opposite Brad Pitt in the big screen adaptation of Dallas. According to reports, Simpson has asked to play the part of Debbie."

    --David Spade, on The Showbiz Show
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 16, 2006 at 01:28 PM

    This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

    I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.?

    I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass formyself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.?

    When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 14, 2006 at 06:20 PM

    Who's In Charge of The Body

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

    The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

    "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

    "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

    Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

    Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

    The moral of the story?

    You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge . . . just an a$$hole.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 14, 2006 at 01:47 PM

    A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on here?' he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids?!"
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 07, 2006 at 02:38 PM

    Remember when . . .

    A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes, I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or i'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 06, 2006 at 05:24 AM

    phea44 write:

    But Samantha, would you call cat food and kitty litter absolutely NOTHING??? Hmmm....

    *Phea walks away to ponder this one. Wait...he comes back just long enough to steal a few kisses and snuggles from Samantha. Now he exits stage left. * =)

    When it comes right down to it Phea, cats are actually very good hunters. Most ARE able to catch their own fresh food.
    As for the absolute necessity of the liter box...
    Well, just ask any of your neighbors who garden.

    I think women do these two for cats out of our habitual giving nature.

    And speaking of giving...

    My! but you DO love the sport of it all,
    dontcha hon?
    -Choosing to "steal" what might likely be given you, for the asking. ;^)
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 06, 2006 at 05:00 AM

    phea44 write:
    It's Tough Being a Guy....

    A man who GETS it.

    *kidding folks -just kidding. =D
    Please don't throw any hard objects.*
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 05, 2006 at 11:28 AM

    It's Tough Being a Guy

    If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you shouldfind something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    If you cry, you're a wimp.
    If you don't , you're insensitive.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
    If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
    If you don't, you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    If you're not, you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she's tired.
    If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 05, 2006 at 09:40 AM

    Samantha451 write:
    Most women spend a good deal of their lives taking care of:
    their man,
    their children,
    their parents or other family members,
    their friendships,
    their boss,
    their homes,
    the laundry,
    the cooking,
    finding things lost,
    etc, etc, etc.

    And most of us wouldn't have it any other way! =)

    But sometimes...

    its just nice to know one creature who depends on you for absolutely nothing.

    But Samantha, would you call cat food and kitty litter absolutely NOTHING??? Hmmm....

    *Phea walks away to ponder this one. Wait...he comes back just long enough to steal a few kisses and snuggles from Samantha. Now he exits stage left. * =)
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 04, 2006 at 10:27 PM

    phea44 write:
    Women and Cats

    I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

    In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

    Most women spend a good deal of their lives taking care of:
    their man,
    their children,
    their parents or other family members,
    their friendships,
    their boss,
    their homes,
    the laundry,
    the cooking,
    finding things lost,
    etc, etc, etc.

    And most of us wouldn't have it any other way! =)

    But sometimes...

    its just nice to know one creature who depends on you for absolutely nothing.