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  • View author's info Posted on May 12, 2008 at 06:44 PM


    Tough Rats



    Three rats are sitting at the bar talking/bragging about their bravery and toughness.

    The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagfull of rat poison!"

    The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

    Then the third rat gets up and says, " Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
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  • View author's info Posted on May 03, 2008 at 04:18 PM


    Yuma Puma



    There once was a man from Yuma,

    Who told an elephant joke to a puma,

    Now his body lies,

    Under the hot desert skies,

    For the puma had no sense of huma.
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 05, 2007 at 08:32 PM


    One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

    "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

    Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

    Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

    The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 01, 2007 at 11:30 PM


    Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 01, 2007 at 08:32 PM


    phea44 write:
    THE BEST FRUITCAKE RECIPE EVER!!


    Read all of this!


    Fruitcake Recipe

    1 cup water
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 cups dried fruit
    1 teaspoon salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    2 tablespoons lemon juice
    1 cup chopped nuts
    1 gallon whiskey

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality.Take a large bowl.Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality .Pour one level cup and drink.Repeat.Turn on the electric mixer:beatt 1 cup butter in a large,fluffy bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,pry it loose with a srewdcriver.Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.Next sift 2 cups of salt.Or something.Who cares? Check the whiskey.Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.Add one table.Spoon.Of sugar or something.Whatever you can find.Grease the oven.Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.Throw the bowl out of the window.Check the whiskey again.Go to bed.Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

    Re:





    Ok, now that was funny!
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 09, 2007 at 10:45 AM


    THE BEST FRUITCAKE RECIPE EVER!!


    Read all of this!


    Fruitcake Recipe

    1 cup water
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 cups dried fruit
    1 teaspoon salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    2 tablespoons lemon juice
    1 cup chopped nuts
    1 gallon whiskey

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality.Take a large bowl.Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality .Pour one level cup and drink.Repeat.Turn on the electric mixer:beatt 1 cup butter in a large,fluffy bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,pry it loose with a srewdcriver.Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.Next sift 2 cups of salt.Or something.Who cares? Check the whiskey.Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.Add one table.Spoon.Of sugar or something.Whatever you can find.Grease the oven.Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.Throw the bowl out of the window.Check the whiskey again.Go to bed.Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
  • View author's info Posted on May 01, 2007 at 12:24 AM


    Rednecks Go Fishing

    Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spent a fortune!

    The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

    As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

    The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 20, 2006 at 02:42 PM


    Knock Knock! Who's There?

    One shoe

    One shoe who?

    One shoe come home, Bill Bailey?
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 19, 2006 at 09:01 AM


    String Cheese

    A string walks into bar and asks for a rum and a cola. But the bartender says, "There is no strings allowed in here!"

    So he goes into the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and frays himself at the ends.

    Then he walks back out and asks for a rum and a cola. The bartender asks, "Weren't you just the string that walked in here?"

    "No," he says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 09, 2006 at 01:59 PM


    Security Concerns

    I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.!

    I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 02, 2006 at 02:06 AM


    Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

    1. He had only one major publication.
    2. It was in Hebrew.
    3. It had no references.
    4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
    5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
    6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
    7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
    8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
    9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
    10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
    11. Some say He had His son teach class.
    12. He expelled His first two students. 13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
    14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 28, 2006 at 01:47 AM


    Yesterday for IT People

    Yesterday,
    All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
    Now my database has gone away.
    Oh I believe in yesterday.

    Suddenly,
    There's not half the files there used to be,
    And there's a milestone hanging over me
    The system crashed so suddenly.

    I pushed something wrong
    What it was I could not say.

    Now all my data's gone
    and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

    Yesterday,
    The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
    I knew my data was all here to stay,
    Now I believe in yesterday.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 21, 2006 at 09:14 PM


    Holmes and Watson

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

    "I see thousands of stars."

    "And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.

    "I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

    "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 09, 2006 at 09:46 PM


    Differences Between Work and Prison

    In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
    At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

    In prison you get three meals a day.
    At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

    In prison you get time off for good behavior.
    At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

    At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
    In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

    In prison you can watch TV and play games.
    At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
    At work you are just ball-and-chained.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 09, 2006 at 12:47 AM


    NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

    So he sat down and wrote:


    "Dear Mother,
    I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

    Love,
    Your Son"


    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:


    "Dear Son,
    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love,
    Mom
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 09, 2006 at 12:12 AM


    A Nicer Approach

    Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

    He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

    One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

    The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

    The wife thought that might be a good idea.

    That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

    His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

    This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"

    At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 08, 2006 at 01:19 AM


    A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 07, 2006 at 10:26 AM


    Loitering

    A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

    The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

    The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

    A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

    Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

    Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

    Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 04, 2006 at 12:34 PM


    Shark

    There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

    As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

    In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

    Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

    The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

    As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

    Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 03, 2006 at 12:13 AM


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