How about a little laughter ? How about a little laughter? Forward to friends

  • View author's info Posted on May 09, 2006 at 01:09 PM


    phea44 write:
    Cow Government

    Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

    Pure Socialism: You have two cows...

    Ditto Phea!

    P.S. Hon, I'm simply going to HAVE to teach you to cut out all but the beginning few sentences of long posts when you quote them.
    ;^]P
  • View author's info Posted on May 09, 2006 at 11:42 AM


    NO SPEAKA DE ENGLISH

    A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

    "Hey, coola down lady, " said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."
  • View author's info Posted on May 08, 2006 at 10:54 PM


    Cow Government

    Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

    Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

    Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

    Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

    Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

    Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much as you can and sell it on the black market.

    Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free market."

    Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

    Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

    Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

    Bureaucratic Democracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

    Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

    Banker's Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

    Surrealism: You have two polka-dotted giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
  • View author's info Posted on May 08, 2006 at 07:09 PM


    Samantha451 write:
    Please nobody be offended.
    It IS just a joke.
    Pretty much nobody is spared.
    Sometimes we have to laugh at our own steriotypes...

    Political Science for Dummies

    DEMOCRATIC
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful.

    REPUBLICANISM
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?

    SOCIALIST
    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    COMMUNIST
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
    You offer shares of cow ownership to be traded publicly.
    You maximize your dividends to stockholders by underpaying your cows. You then declare bankruptcy leaving many cows unemployed. You make good on your severance packages to a handfull of top cow wranglers.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.

    FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and drink wine.
    Life is good.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

    ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.

    RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You have some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

    TALIBAN CORPORATION
    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
    You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

    IRAQI CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    They go into hiding.
    They send radio tapes of their mooing.

    POLISH CORPORATION
    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

    BELGIAN CORPORATION
    You have one cow.
    The cow is schizophrenic.
    Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
    The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
    The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's?milk.
    The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
    The cow dies happy.

    FLORIDA CORPORATION
    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure?out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

    CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
    You have millions of cows.
    They make real California cheese.
    Only five speak English.
    Most are illegals.
    Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


    Samantha, there is something "eerilly" truthful about this joke.
    It made me laugh and ponder.
  • View author's info Posted on May 07, 2006 at 02:07 PM


    Please nobody be offended.
    It IS just a joke.
    Pretty much nobody is spared.
    Sometimes we have to laugh at our own steriotypes...

    Political Science for Dummies

    DEMOCRATIC
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful.

    REPUBLICANISM
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?

    SOCIALIST
    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    COMMUNIST
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
    You offer shares of cow ownership to be traded publicly.
    You maximize your dividends to stockholders by underpaying your cows. You then declare bankruptcy leaving many cows unemployed. You make good on your severance packages to a handfull of top cow wranglers.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.

    FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and drink wine.
    Life is good.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

    ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.

    RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You have some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

    TALIBAN CORPORATION
    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
    You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

    IRAQI CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    They go into hiding.
    They send radio tapes of their mooing.

    POLISH CORPORATION
    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

    BELGIAN CORPORATION
    You have one cow.
    The cow is schizophrenic.
    Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
    The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
    The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's?milk.
    The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
    The cow dies happy.

    FLORIDA CORPORATION
    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure?out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

    CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
    You have millions of cows.
    They make real California cheese.
    Only five speak English.
    Most are illegals.
    Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
  • View author's info Posted on May 03, 2006 at 08:55 PM


    A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

    At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"
  • View author's info Posted on May 03, 2006 at 08:37 PM


    At The Doctor's Office

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed: likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

    "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

    "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
  • View author's info Posted on May 03, 2006 at 03:57 PM


    The Gold Urinal

    Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.

    That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal."Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

    Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

    That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 24, 2006 at 08:51 PM


    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

    "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 23, 2006 at 08:34 AM


    Baby Planes


    Mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

    The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

    So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

    The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that it's because Southwest always pulls out on time."
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 22, 2006 at 12:20 AM


    A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 20, 2006 at 08:09 PM


    A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

    She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 19, 2006 at 10:42 AM


    Public Parts

    Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

    From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

    On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 16, 2006 at 11:29 AM


    Understanding Engineers - One

    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."



    Understanding Engineers - Two

    To the optimist, the glass is half full.

    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



    Understanding Engineers - Three

    There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

    The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

    The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

    The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.



    Understanding Engineers - Four

    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

    Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.



    Understanding Engineers - Five
    "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."


    Understanding Engineers - Six

    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

    The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

    The engineer said, "I like both."

    "Both?"

    Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



    Understanding Engineers - Seven

    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you forever." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If ! ! you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

    Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 14, 2006 at 06:54 PM


    SAFE SMOKES

    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Her friend said,"What's that?"

    The first lady replied, "A condom. This way, my cigarette doesn't get wet."

    "Where did you get it?"

    "You can get them at any drugstore."

    The next day, the friend hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, over 80 years old), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

    "It doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 01, 2006 at 07:59 AM


    INTERNATIONAL WOMENS DAY

    March 8 marks nearly 90 years that this day celebrating womanhood has been observed, honoring the acheivemants and hard work of women globally.

    In honor of IWD, the United States Postal Service decided to issue a stamp portraying an artistic rendition of the female anatomy.

    However, upon limited distribution in a few select cities the USPS has decided to take it out of circulation and print no more, since the majority of men in these test markets were unsure of exactly which side of the stamp to l i c k.
    Philatelists estimate this stamp will be in high demand, with some offering money just to get a glimpse of it.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 31, 2006 at 05:21 PM


    Yummy Fruit

    A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

    She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

    From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 31, 2006 at 04:57 PM


    Seasoned Blind Date

    "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.

    "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

    "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

    "He was the original owner!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 29, 2006 at 01:53 PM


    A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

    One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

    Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

    There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said,
    "give him the dog."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 28, 2006 at 07:50 PM


    Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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