How about a little laughter ? How about a little laughter? Forward to friends

  • View author's info Posted on Jul 17, 2006 at 10:10 AM

    Knock Knock! Who's There?


    Doris, who?

    Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 09, 2006 at 10:14 AM

    phea44 write:
    Knock Knock! Who's There?


    Yule who?

    Yule never know unless you open the door!

    Knock Knock! Who's There?


    Lettuce who?

    Lettuce in or we'll break down the door!


    No Phea, NO!!

    Don't open the door!

    It's the CORNY KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE POLICE, come to arrest us!

  • View author's info Posted on Jul 08, 2006 at 02:48 AM

    There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 02, 2006 at 05:49 AM

    In our series "Mysteries of life":

    'If electricity comes from electrons does that mean morality comes from morons?'
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 30, 2006 at 04:22 PM

    Knock Knock! Who's There?


    Yule who?

    Yule never know unless you open the door!
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 14, 2006 at 09:56 PM


    A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

    "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

    The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 08, 2006 at 11:57 PM

    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 07, 2006 at 12:18 AM

    The Poopie List

    GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

    CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

    WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

    SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

    POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

    LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

    GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

    DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

    CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

    GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

    SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

    WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

    THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

    THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 06, 2006 at 10:56 AM

    My First Time

    The sky was dark
    The moon was high
    All alone
    Just her and I
    Her hair so soft
    Her eyes so blue
    I knew just what
    She wanted to do
    Her skin so soft
    Her legs so fine
    I ran my fingers
    Down her spine
    I didn't know how
    But I tried my best
    To place my hand
    On her br*asts
    I remember my fear
    My fast beating heart
    But slowly she spread
    Her legs apart
    And when she did it
    I felt no shame
    All at once
    The white stuff came
    At last it's finished
    It's all over now
    My first time
    Milking a cow
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 05, 2006 at 10:43 PM

    A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 04, 2006 at 03:01 AM

    Golf Caddy Comments

    Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

    Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

    Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

    Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."

    Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

    Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
    Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

    Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
    Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

    Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
    Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

    Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 02, 2006 at 04:11 PM

    Paris Hilton was 'seriously' considering breast augmentation until her mom told her what was involved. so went to her doctor anyway and asked him for a prescription for 'Perkyset'........ (drum roll please).........
  • View author's info Posted on May 31, 2006 at 11:59 PM

    Love and Marriage: A Tale

    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

    Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

    Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

    The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
  • View author's info Posted on May 24, 2006 at 02:08 AM

    One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2006 at 05:10 PM


    A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.

    Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.

    "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

    "Well, he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."

    Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

    Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"

    "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which read:

  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2006 at 03:18 PM

    Recent Quips From Late Night

    "Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

    "In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

    "It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael" --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

    "I got a call last night during dinner from Verizon asking me if I was happy with my long distance surveillance." --Bill Maher

    "I signed up for a new calling plan today. The 'NSA Friends and Family' plan. A $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family." --Jay Leno

    "A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time." --Jay Leno

    "In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

    "The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion tax cut capital gains and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program." --David Letterman
  • View author's info Posted on May 18, 2006 at 11:18 AM

    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to ....
    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


    One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

    "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

    Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

    "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

    says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"


    The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

    He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

    The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

    He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

    The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

    He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

    "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
  • View author's info Posted on May 13, 2006 at 09:13 PM

    Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

    "Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

    When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
  • View author's info Posted on May 13, 2006 at 12:24 AM

    The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

    One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
    and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

    But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
  • View author's info Posted on May 12, 2006 at 04:40 PM

    bbqchickenrobot write:

    A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

    "Hey, coola down lady, " said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

    BBQ I knew it had something to do with spelling but wasn't sure how.....funny
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