The reactions to the fact that I have never been married, engaged or have any children have been interesting, but what I find perplexing is how some women translate that to mean that people like me have issues with commitment when it is in fact exactly the opposite.
There are many for whom marriage is a goal and dating is just a means of churning through the possibilities an acceptable candidate comes along. It is the message that society constantly communicates.To a certain degree it is no surprise that people look at those who have never been married with suspicion, assuming that there must be a flaw someplace that has kept them unmarried this long.
For me it has always been about meeting the right person, marriage and family are the benefits, not the goal. I also have not been so driven to find this person I am constantly trying to find her. There have been times where I have taken myself off the market for years at a time because meeting someone was not anywhere in the top 10 list of things I had going on in my life at the time.
Regarding not having any children, my mindset was find the right woman first and then children would follow if they were meant to be. That birth control was not just the responsibility of the woman I was sleeping with, especially if it was casual.
When a woman gives me her heart I know that she is entrusting me with a rare and precious give and it is my responsibility to do right by her and vice versa. To me part of that responsibility is being forthright and honest about the potential of the relationship once I have a good sense of what that is. It would be a violation of trust to extend a relationship out over months or even years knowing full well that it has no chance of a long term future just for the sake of dating someone.
Once involved with someone, I know relatively early on in a relationship whether or not at least the fundamentals are there to build a relationship that will lead to marriage. The time spent dating is an opportunity to build some memories together and basically validate whether or not the feeling induced sweet nothings that get exchanged with each other are backed up in actions.
It would also be selfish to continue the relationship, especially if she had made it clear at some point that marriage was the goal. While the short term pain of breaking it off may suck, better smaller pain early on than a much bigger pain further down the road after there is even more of an emotional investment.
For the relationships that have long term potential I give it my all, but when it gets to the point of variations of the same argument are taking place over and over again with greater frequency and no real resolution it is time to move on regardless of how strong the feelings are for each other or how great the sex may be.
I think that is where most people who eventually wind up in getting married and divorced make their mistake. They wanted to reach the destination so badly that they pushed past that voice in their head screaming that something was wrong and trusted that love was going to conquer all. Only love didn’t conquer all and they find themselves divorced or even worse, stuck in a miserable marriage and partaking in something on the side to fulfill the emptiness.
I know in my life there have been a couples of times where I almost ignored the warning signs. Where I got so wrapped up in the idea of this finally being the one that I almost jumped in full steam ahead, consequences be damned.
For the record I do not think that is true of all couples who get divorced. Sometimes life just affects us in ways that cause two people who were wildly in love and got married for all the right reasons to find themselves in an unsustainable relationships despite their best efforts to fulfill their vows.
That is the thing about the future, no one knows what is going to happen. Someone who exercises and eats right could easy find themselves dead by age 40 because sometimes things just happen. Relationships are the same way, but I do believe that if a couple is serious about wanting a long term relationship it means finding a way to put feelings aside and take a good hard look at what the relationship is built on, how much in line the goals actually are, evaluating how differences get resolved, asking if sustained happiness is possible, and asking yourself is this person someone I can build a life with. Getting a yes answer to all of those questions may not guarantee a happily ever after ending, but they will certainly increase the odds.
Very interesting post. I can not say I look at an unmarried man with suspiscion, even if he´s older. I´d rather think he has not found the right woman yet, mabe he does not want to get married, period.
Marriage is not a requirement or garantee to lead to a perfect relationship for love and relationships can be, get and sometimes remain rocky. Commitment requires will power, strengh and compromise. It does not always come easy, is not always perfect as we as people are not always fallling in love at the right time or mabe we fall too quickly, sometimes we are infatuated by looks and sometimes there are other obstacles we face. Yet, love don´t come easy but if and when you meet that one person that you click and vibe with, you find yourself in stimulating mind blowing (yes really) conversation and even better: silence with, you get that special spark, there´s the chemnistry and you feel you could put your trust in them, they offer you their time, take you out, treat you with respect and all that good stuff, hold on to it and give them the 2nd chance, if neccessary.
With that being said: Iam 35, never been engaged or married, neither do I have kids. What does that say about me?
I am also someone who has never married nor has any children. You are correct about some individuals who hold negative views towards never married and childless adults. I remember being verbally assaulted by a woman because of my situation back in the day.
This is how I feel about those who feel that every adult has to lives the same as everyone else. If my lifestyle is too different for someone to consider me as a potential romantic partner, then fine with me! I could care less!! I am not for everyone and perhaps not for most. Seek peace, respect and acceptance in my life and I strive to surround myself with those who are willing to give me those things.
Everyone's life path and journey is different. Until someone takes the time to understand my reasons for the choices I made in my life, I will take their "opinion" with a grain of salt. There is a saying amongst my peers called "charging it to the game". This have given me a lot of perspective about a lot of things, but the ne thing that resonates with me the most is learning that one thing I can't control is how others think about me. I may have the ability to affect one's perception about me, but at the end of the day , whatever conclusion they may have about me is their choice, so I don't worry about it. As long as I know that I treat people well and practice due diligence within my life, then whatever outcome that comes about is what comes about. I deal with it and move on. I have no choice. Can't stress about things I can't control. I can only control my thoughts and actions, so..
With the aforementioned being said, I am who I am. I say what I say and do what I do. If that works for someone, then great! If not, then cool! Deal with those who fills your mold. If a person doesn't fit your mold, then move on. #yolo #happinesscomesfromwithin #CITTG
Wow You have given me some very good insight on this subject. I've always shied away from men who, like you, were never married. The world (media, parents, teachers, adults, etc) creates a way of thinking, filling our minds with garbage beginning when we are very young, and that thought process stays with us throughout the years. I have liberated myself from the brain fog that settled itself in my thoughts, my very way of living, and have opened my mind to so many different, more logical aspects of this life. You can say that no longer am I a slave to the old way of thinking. I am a free thinker, as well as a free spirit. I always have been, but peer pressure and the fear of being 'different' kept me from being who I really am. Thank you for sharing this. :)