The most difficult question about "interracial dating" relationships

  • View author's info Posted on Jan 25, 2010 at 04:41 PM

    I hope that you all will indulge me this opportunity to address a personal concern of mine in this forum, but I am confused and wonder if I was mistaken when I chose to become a member of this site. As with any online dating site, I suppose, there will be some who are only looking for a one night stand or an opportunity to fulfill some sexual fantasy with an anonymous stranger.  However, I cringed every time I saw  the expression "chocolate fantasy" as I checked the hundreds of profiles of men; it was horrifying. I suppose there is no real harm in it, but as I am sincerely looking for a respectful friendship that I hope would lead to a monogamous relationship, I can't help but expect that those who would see the black females as possible contenders in the competition for their affection would not want that to be their opening line.  (Alas, I must resign myself to accept the adage: "to each his own.") But, I must admit seeing that expression and a number of others made me wonder what I was getting myself into.  I chose because I have always thought of myself as fortunate for having grown up feeling no boundaries about whom I could love (as far as ethnicity or race were concerned) and I wanted to enjoy the possibilities I would have to belong to an online community filled with what I thought would be like-minded people.  I am not saying that I didn't grow up in the same world that everyone else grew up in, the real world, where there were taboos, and prejudices all around me, meant to influence how I perceived others, especially in the South.  I am an African American woman and I fully embrace who I am and where my ancestors came from and am humbled by their experiences. My attraction to non-black guys is to me not at all a slight to Black men or a reason to think that i somehow find the other men superior in any way to them. (I have read previous comments that theorize we black women who date interracially may have grown up with negative images of men due to absent fathers.  But I grew up in a stable home with both parents married to each other and they remained married for 40 years.) I am just saying that if I felt an attraction to a guy, I followed my heart, despite the racism of my community growing up. My first love was a White male and from that moment on I have dated exclusively outside my ethnic group, though not exclusively Caucasian men.  Since then, I have lived in, studied in, or traveled to 9 countries, and 6 states as an adult and I have loved and been loved multi-culturally (to put it in a flattering way). As I grow older, I no longer feel the need to suppress my feelings and have found I have some preferences when it comes to men.  I find that I am more attractive to certain physical types than others, but when it comes down to it, I simply love men; I could love any man who met all of my other requirements. I have questioned my motives and determined that I love traveling and learning about other cultures but that I get a high off of these relationships that I don't feel when I am with a man of my own race. There's a particular thrill I get, feeling I am thumbing my nose at the world that has declared my relationships less than ideal.

    I prefer dating men who are not of African descent, so I joined hoping to find what I am looking for.  The confusion for me comes when I feel that much of what I read here in the forums borders on racially insensitive, if not racist. There is a lot of negative stereotyping that makes me uncomfortable. I see little difference, at times, between the comments some Black females make about Black men or vice versa, and those I have heard a thousand times made by racist whites in SC or here in IN. It made think: Do people (still) actually date outside their own ethnic group because they dislike their own? Could I, by making a conscious effort to find someone who is not of African descent, be admitting subconsciously that I hate myself? I feel 100% certain that I don't hate Black men and I don't hate myself, but there seems to be an awfully thin line between attraction based upon racial preference and selective attraction based upon those very same racial preferences.  So, I decided to post this topic to ask what those of you who choose not to date within your ethnic or racial group at all this question: on a subconscious level, what do you really think motivates you to date interracially?

    Although I referenced African American males and females, I really think this is a topic to which everyone may be able to relate and I would be very interested in your responses.

    I thank you for your time.

  • 6Comments

  • View author's info Posted on Dec 11, 2010 at 12:33 PM

    I grew up in a military family with parents who didn't teach color. My classes from kindergarten were diverse to say the least. I lived in other countries as a teenager. Even now as an adult I live in China, I continue to not really see color until it is forced upon me by society. I my problem is not the color of the skin but the content an character of the man that I am attracted to. Think about it I need more in a conversation than what is on TV or someone who has decided that his color is the draw back and the reason for his lack of success. I want a man with an education who is articulate, a man who opens a door, pulls out a chair and does not have a thug complex. Don't get me wrong I know that not all black men are this way and I have dated a great deal of every race but the pool of black men who fit the bill are often taken or into white women only. I did not join this site because I wanted to exclude anyone I joined because the odds of finding an educated male with a college degree and the ability of stimulating my mind intellectually (even if only as a friend) goes up when you plug into an open-minded forum (should be) like this. I don't Hate myself or anyone you should consider this if you found all you were seeking in a man of color would you still reject him from the opportunity. If the answer is no you are good, if the answer is yes then maybe you should spend some looking in the mirror at who you are really thumbing your nose at odds are it is not really society you are seeking to scorn.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 27, 2010 at 03:15 PM

    interracial dating for the most part is the most superficial
  • View author's info Posted on May 17, 2010 at 09:27 AM

    I think that interracial dating no matter what color each party is is hard. I mean what difference does it make if your white or black or green with purple dots. It does not matter. We are all Gods childern and the heart wants what the heart wants.

    So we all need to grow up and act our age.
  • View author's info Posted on May 16, 2010 at 08:45 AM


    Greetings to you Aurorin2,

    I can tell by your posting, you are indeed a well spoken, intelligient & educated black woman.

    My response on dating white men is simple-yet true. There are more eligible white men to date than black men. I live in the south. While attending college, it was obvious that white males outnumbered black males 10/1. I became interested in dating white males when it dawned on me that I couldn't find one who was educated, employed and un-attached.

    Sexy in South Carolina

  • View author's info Posted on Apr 03, 2010 at 07:46 AM

    Thats the way it is with all dating sites.....Only a very small percentage-male or female- are really looking for something long term. The serious ones are out a few hundred more profiles. You will find them.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 25, 2010 at 10:26 AM

    We all should go with --what is inside-- And yes I have seen the ridiculous postings in here. I would take anyone who is nice out on a date, my hood is cosmopolitan, many have --swirled--
    I think many have been --told-- to glamorize their profiles to get attention, stick to your own boundaries to find what you are seeking.