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Abuses of Technology in Dating: Beware the Online Scammer
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194 Views
05/30/10
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Since 2004 I have been a member of at least one online dating website, sometimes, as many as three simultaneously. I figured I needed to throw my net wide. No distance was too far and nothing went unexplored. Unfortunately, in my zeal to master this dating situation, I ran into the lowest life form of the online dating world: the online scammer.
Up until this year, I had been renewing my membership with a certain “harmonious” organization that insists upon matching its members based upon certain principles that its creator has determined are the foundation of a successful marriage. I chose this particular site because I liked the idea of being matched instead of searching through pictures and reading biographies of pretty men without any writing skills, extremely attractive men whose egos matched their standards (unrealistic), and average-looking men who had nothing to say. My matches, it would seem, would have something in common with me right off the bat. I could save time with eliminating the unemployed, the still married, the ex-cons, the unfaithful, the uneducated, and the uncouth, and could look for some chemistry immediately with the men that were supposedly my matches. I know that my personality is the driving force to the success or failure of my romantic relationships, so I liked that I wouldn’t be allowed to see pictures at first. The photos were a distraction. I sincerely wanted to choose the right man from the inside out. I know more than 80% of the profiles I’ve read on this site say the same thing, but I really mean it. Because, as a famous television judge says frequently, “beauty fades, but stupid is forever”. Those words have become more significant to me now. At first, I went into this online dating with such trepidation because I knew I don’t fit the standard norms of beauty and I think that self-destructive thinking made most of my experiences less than harmonious. Eventually, I realized that not every man is right for me nor am I right for every man and there is no shame in that. People keep creating new flavors of ice cream for this very same reason: some people were interested in something other than the standard vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.
Some people will eat nothing but one flavor, some a few, and there are some that will eat any ice cream because they just love ice cream. I used to think I was more like the latter, but realize I am more like former. When I went into dating with less apprehension, thinking that if someone liked my flavor he would probably want to get to know me better, I wasn’t too shy about cyber-approaching my preferred matches. Those who appreciated me, advanced to the next level and those who weren’t interested, rejected me and I moved on. Most of the time, however, it was I who was rebuking offers. It seems there are men out there who do like my flavor. After they would express initial interest in me, I would reveal my picture. Many times, after a few in-depth questions, I would scamper away like a frightened bunny from the gentleman, labeling him as a “loser”, “creep”, an “arrogant a**” or, my favorite, an “idiot”. I was very unnecessarily judgmental back then. I wasn’t addressing the real problem, which was, for me none of the dating sites addressed all of my personal needs. Beyond the common desire to meet someone who was honest, strong, educated, kind, generous, intelligent, and employed, I was also looking for an interracial relationship. I was open to the possibility of meeting and falling in love with any “good man”, but I think that, as I said before, when I like something, I want to stick with that. I’ll admit that I do not have much of a sense of adventure sometimes. I feel very fortunate to be able to say that my entire life, my love has known no bounds. I loved whomever it was I loved in spite of the ridicule, the harassment, and the lack of support from our friends and/or family. I did what came natural to me: loved. And, for some reason, since adulthood, I crave that intercultural/interracial experience. It’s not curiosity or fetish. I love this so much that I dedicated my life to it both emotionally and professionally. Talking and writing about issues of race and ethnicity is how I make my living. But, I digress…
In 2008, I was having a particularly good year. I was traveling for the summer doing research and getting paid for it and that’s when I found this site (more about that in a future rant). For my birthday, I renewed my membership with that aforementioned online dating site for one full year, cash up front. Within a few days, I had more matches that actually seemed like they were right for me than I had ever had over the course of the 4 years. There were so many quality matches that I would literally have to dedicate a few hours nightly to go through each one’s profile to determine if I wanted to continue forward with any of them. (It might interest you to know that when I finally ended my relationship with that website, I had deleted the profiles of over 1500 men in 13 months!) Now, it was recommended that the members hide their pictures until later in the process, but most men want their pictures to be seen from the beginning. I had been good to not look carefully at the pictures, to just read what the members said about themselves. But, one day, I opened my account and was greeted by what I can only call “the most beautiful man I have ever seen”, and much like the story by García Márquez, nothing was exactly what it seemed and I was so moved by his beauty that I wanted to do things I wouldn’t ordinarily do for a stranger: trust him. I am not even going to go into the courtship, but I am going to mention certain things he said and did because I want to warn anyone who reads this about online scammers. They are an organized network of criminals and not individuals, most of the time. The lucky thing is ever since being scammed by “Jeff”, that was the name he gave me, I have become both a crusader and a self-described scam buster. I comb through online dating websites searching for suspicious profiles and I alert the owners of the site. I have sent IM about 17 suspicious profiles and all have checked out as scammers. I have a 100% rate of correctness. (Where is my free months’ membership for having helped you out IM?)
“Jeff” was ethnically an Arab. All the pictures he posted on his site were of this beautifully proportioned man, with well-coifed hair, and smooth brown skin. He told me he was half English and half Irani (now those of you who are paying close attention notice this is clue #1 of a scammer: scammers are consummate liars, but not necessarily good ones. Iranis are not Arabs, but Persians). He told me he lived in Texas but was in Toronto at the moment on business (Clue #2: profile location and actual location are never the same). He gave me a last name, I did do a Google search, but not right away, but when I did, the information he gave me did not seem correct. (Clue #3: scammers always give you a full name; full names are an instant “no-no”; they give their last name so that you will give yours). His last name was Anglo, another cause for suspicion. He explained that his father anglicized his name when he left Iran during the Revolution. (Not likely, but at the time I thought believable.)
We began communicating through the website, then, I gave him one of my email addresses. We chatted for the first time using Yahoo! Messenger and he seemed absolutely bored as well as boring. We couldn’t get beyond that annoying functioning illiterate text-type of “how R U?”, “wat u doin?” or “where R U now?” He was not as I expected him to be. Then, just as I was dismissing him, he became lively and behaved like a new man. The communication is an essential part of the scam. He needs to build your trust quickly. So, everything happens really fast. In no time at all he was calling me several times a day; he was writing me (horrible) love poems; and wanted me to fall in love with him, he said. He was looking for a second opportunity for love after having his heart broken. (Clue #4 the hurried “love”: Time is money to the scammer, so he needs you to fall for him tout de suite. So, he will confess his love for you quite early.)
The first time we spoke on the phone his accent gave him away. I was indeed speaking to an Arab, not a Persian. So, to test him, I asked him if his father had taught him Arabic or did he only speak English. Of course, he told me that he didn’t speak Arabic because his mother was English and they only spoke English at home. Yes, I know Iranis speak Farsi and not Arabic. (Clue #5 Voice or accent is “foreign” and/or is unable to speak English very well, though the writing may be perfect.) I began interrogating him (and this is actually when I googled him). He figured the jig was up and after that called several times a day but actually spoke to me less than 2 minutes every time. I asked him for more pictures and he sent about 3 or 4 more pictures, including one of his “son”. The pictures of him were NOT of the same man with whom I had believed I was communicating. He had told me that he was divorced and that his wife had remarried and that the only reason he stayed in Texas was because he wanted to be near his son. The picture of the “son” was of an ivory-skinned, blond boy with blue eyes. (Clue #6: the scammer never has recent pictures of himself and the ones he sends are entirely suspicious.) The pictures almost always are pictures they have collected from previous victims. Some pictures are simply stolen from the internet, from personal webpages and they aren’t aware that there are people like “Jeff” using their likeness for their scams. Coming through this website, I found several of the same pictures in different men’s profiles. Scammers know not to make those pictures the main picture, so always look through all the pictures they offer. And, some of the scammers here are not even particularly intelligent: several have
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Contemplating the "setup" or the 6 Principles to Live by
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127 Views
05/14/10
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A friend of mine from work, let’s call him the JÌbaro, thought it would be good to get some friends together to celebrate my promotion on e Thursday night after work. He invited another friend, to whom I’ll be referring as Mr. S, who brought with him two other guys, Silent Bob and Nelly, to the bar where we had agreed to meet. A third guy, The Bearded Baby or BB showed up much later in the evening. Other than the JÌbaro and Mr. S, these were all strangers to me. We sat in this bar together, they with their foreign beers and I with my cranberry juice (I don’t drink), and as I looked at them, the Flyboys, really looked at them, they were all nice men. They were all good men. They were all attractive men to whom I felt no attraction, but there was no doubt that I perceived their presence was part of my dating dilemma.
I contemplated each man from head to toe. One by one. I had long ago zoned out their conversations about work, their latest international trips, or the person whom they thought had the sexiest body in the room. I allowed myself to get lost in my thought. I considered their heads— hair described in flavors and textures: salt and pepper, strawberry blond, and smooth and in various stages of balding; I looked in their eyes whose colors were like kaleidoscopes in blues, greens, and browns. There were beards and goatees, as well as smooth faces. Thick luscious lips as well as thinner ones. Physically, if I could take a piece of each one, I might have the chassis of the perfect man in my eyes. It was not that the Flyboys scared off any men that may have wanted to approach me. I think it was obvious to anyone with eyes that though we were together, we weren’t together for various reasons. The most apparent one was that four of the men I was with, those to whom I referred as “Flyboys” were gay. After a couple of beers, the guys weren’t just aggressive, they were loud and obnoxious, whistling and otherwise coming just shy of sexually harassing the men in the bar and even a police office on the street outside the bar. I sat there among them asking myself “Why am I here?” and I could see that B.B. was probably thinking the same thing. That’s when the two straight people at the table realized (better late than never) that we had been set up. Mr. S (and S is for Sassy) decided to force us to meet. Mr. S is a work friend, so he knows the part of me I want my colleagues to know. He figured out that I like younger men, in that way, his selection of B.B. was appropriate, but he didn’t know that I have no attraction to the unemployed. How little my friends think of me! This is a sad state of affairs when my friends feel they have to secretly set me up. I had no one but myself to blame.
This uncomfortable situation with the bearded Baby made me want to change my approach to dating. Before, my dating persona was what I thought men wanted. I tried to be quiet and a bit submissive and “girly”, but that’s really not me. I don’t like sports, for the most part, but most of my friends, for most of my life have always been men (some would say, in spite of my feminist values). I like to say that I am a “textbook Leo”—though I am not really devoted to astrology—in that I find the description of the personality of those under the sign of Leo is quite accurate for me. Years ago, someone advised me to take the positive characteristics of my sign and apply them to my professional life to ensure success. That was great advice! In dating, I was just the opposite: entirely too agreeable, less opinionated, unassuming, and passive. This behavior has not brought me dating success. Yes, I ended up with long-term relationships, but they were relationships that I ended after years of being miserable. I was suppressing who I really was, as best as I could, to be the person that man had originally met. I have determined that that did not work for me. It seems logical that if I do the same thing every time I can expect nothing but the same results. 2010 is my year!
Why can’t I, then, apply the very same principles that I’ve credited for my professional success towards my social life? In many ways, the pursuit of a long-term, monogamous relationship is very similar to the pursuit of a career. In each, every disappointment and/or bad experience can be a learning experience. And, in the end, success will lead to many years of a generally pleasant experience and after a long time in one place, they usually give you a big part and a gold watch, or some other piece of expensive jewelry. Ultimately, you know you’ve succeeded when after your party, you have no further responsibilities and its just smooth sailing and years of laughing and living with the one you love while you go around the world spending every last cent of your children’s inheritance.
What follows are the five principles for professional success that I have lived by and have worked for me. These are the very same principles that I am going to apply to my dating life in 2010. * The sixth principle is good for any occasion.
Make yourself available to the type of man you want to attract.
Surround yourself with positive and supportive people.
Don’t put meaning where there is no meaning.
Know what you want and don’t lower your standards.
Be prepared to fail at least once, and then try again.
The best revenge is living well.
I guess for most these are no-brainers, but as I said in a previous blog entry, I am a “serial monogamist”; so, I have very little dating experience. I have been very successful in my career, and these principles were those I lived by. Why wouldn’t they work in this situation too?
Making yourself available: this just means to be where you would find the type of man you would want and it’s best if that place is a place you would normally go anyway. There’s no point in pretending to be something you’re not. Case in point.. some religious friends, a couple we’ll call the Missionaries, believe the only place to find a good man is in church. They are missionaries for matrimony. Everyone should be married and every married couple should have children, according to them. It is a difficult for the husband to accept that his wife has one friend who is neither married or has (or wants) children: me. He can’t understand that a church would not be the ideal place for me to find the man who would be right for me. As I see it, if I find him in church, he’ll expect me to continue to go to church. Neither of us should be disappointed. So, let him find a good church girl, and let me look elsewhere. Similarly, if I am doing what I would normally do and I should meet someone who enjoys the same things, neither of us would have to change to please the other. Both of us would have quite pleasant demeanors and would be attractive as well as attracted to each other.
Surrounding yourself with positive people: this just means that bad energy begets more bad energy. Nobody likes that one person in the group who is so desperate for attention that s/he has to have something to complain about all the time. You spend your time trying to convince this person to stay or cheering this person up instead of having a good time yourself. This person is driving away anyone who might be interested in getting to know you. The same goes for the obnoxious and loud friends. Leave them all at home when you’re actively looking. If you think that you don’t have any friends that fit this description, then that negative and/or obnoxious person is YOU.
Putting meaning where there is none: this is something many women are guilty of doing. You have a few good dates with a new guy and afterwards you go home and call a friend with whom you share every detail and the two of you interpret everything he said and did since you’ve known him as signs that he likes or dislikes you. I stayed with the wrong person (read was engaged) for a decade because the two of us believed we were destined to be together because we met coincidentally on my birthday. This ridiculous fact kept us together for the first few years and afterwards, we kept re-interpreting little insignificant things until we found a reason to stay together. Sometimes, a date is just a date and a coincidence is just that and nothing more. There’s less pressure if you just accept the event for what it is and not imagine it to be more until the two of you discuss it and decide to make it more.
Knowing what you want: (another no-brainer) before we enter the jungle we need to know what animal we’re hunting or we’re likely to shoot at anything and everything in sight. I can speak with confidence when I say that I have chosen to be alone over being in bad company. If your goals are realistic, then you can certainly find what you’re seeking. The problem is that many of us aren’t very specific or aren’t realistic at all. In the evenings, after everyone else has gone home, I often sit in my office chatting with a married male friend, we’ll call him Ali B, who is never in a hurry to go home. The other day I told Ali B about my desire to meet someone and to get married and his response was simply to just find someone and get married. I told him that it’s not that simple, that I am looking for a man with very specific qualities. When I told him the list, he didn’t have a problem with it, but when he suggested I just have my family or friends set me up (hence my interest in writing this essay) I wanted to scream. He told me that life would be simpler if we educated women would just accept a “traditional marriage”. I managed self-control when I asked him how he defined a “traditional marriage”. He explained that arranged marriages have been the norm for hundreds of years in many cultures in the East and that educated women in the West today would not go unmarried if they could rely on their relatives to match them with the appropriately educated and employed men. I didn’t want to debate arranged marriages with him, but I did want to stand up for a marriage based on love. He could not control hi
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Seeking Royalty, Confections, Fetishes and Fantasies
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84 Views
06/19/10
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My male friends know me well enough to know that I am not criticizing men in this entry, but rather the content of their online profiles. As a matter of habit, I check the list of my "compatible matches" daily. I read every profile of the gentlemen with attractive headlines. And, if by chance, I come across a suspicious profile, one that may belong to a scammer, I do contact IM to protect all of us ladies from the scourge of online dating. For some time now, I have been commenting to my friends about the headlines that some men use to attract our attention. Second only to those who cannot think of anything to write besides a greeting, the least appealing headlines to me are those that refer to women as some form of roylaty, a sugary treat, or the absolute worst: the sexual/social experiment. Now, if the intention was to simply attract the attention of the women checking out profiles, these men have accomplished their goal. But, surely, they realize how trite and cliché these types of headlines are. I read some awesome profile tips this week that echo my sentiments, so I feel vindicated when I criticize the lack of originality and the tastelessness of these headlines.
It is rather funny to me that more than half of the writers of these horrible headlines list they are seeking an LTR when the first impression any woman could have of these guys is that they either have blue blood, some powerful sweet tooth or perhaps, a porn addiction. (Porn addiction because surely these men with fetsihes are objectififying women and have no realistic view of them.)
Does anyone really consider herself a "queen" or a "princess"? I suppose there are some women out there who do, so a better question would be is anyone convinced of a man's good intentions when he says he will treat "you like a queen"? Last I saw, the women of the royalty were trophies, pretty much sexless beings (at least as far as their husbands were concerned). It might be more fun to be treated like the pirnce's lover. I know that the idea is that he would shower you with gifts and treat you well, but wouldn't you expect any man to treat you well, even if he didn't call you his "queen"?
I don't know which personally is more offensive to me, someone referring to me as anything you can eat or wanting to use me as an experiment or his way to be initiated into the world of interracial relationships. (Yes, I am writing about you and you know who are.) In grad school, I had a professor who did some innocent flirting with me for a while. His initial approach was to let me know that his first wife was a Black woman (I'm embarrassed for us both, BC). Another student and I joked about my being this professor's "chocolate fantasy" now that he had married a White woman. it was a joke then, and sadly it still makes me laugh. I don't understand how otherwise kind and intelligent men can say such ridiculous things in pursuit of a woman. I lost count of how many profiles mention that the authors are seeking "brown sugar" or "chocolate" because there were so many of them. Some of us have chatted about this, so I know I am not the only one who finds the choice of words of these authors questionable. I sought similarly clichéd comments written about other women, and I can count on one hand how many times I found a profile that referred to women of any other ethnicity in such a way. So, why treat Black women this way? It is difficult to find websites devoted to interracial dating or dedicated to WM-BF dating without running into dozens of links for porn.
A cada oveja su pareja, as they say, so just as I am annoyed by those profiles, there are several women out there who find them charming. But, could anyone of any ethnicity, who is seeking an LTR, truly find the possibility of being someone's social experiment appealing? Many years ago when I was in Southern Spain, I used to stay out dancing until they closed down the clubs (7-8am). I was pretty popular just about every weekend just because of the "chocolate fantasies" of some men. Few were honest enough to say so, but every once in a while, a stranger would approach me in the street requesting a kiss or that I would go home with him because he wanted to know what it was like to "experience a Black woman". Those "curious" ones tended to have some crazy ideas about Black women. Surely, they found someone else who was interested in re-educating them.
So, a couple of friends and I thought of some similar types of headlines that women could post with their profiles as they seek men. Most of them are pretty salty and blue, so to try to post them here would subject me to censorship. Here are a few of the silliest ones:
SBF 4 venti Chai Latte
Seeking a Baron of bountiful booty
kiwi+chocolate= gr8 snack
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When "Going Public" is NOT a Good Thing
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272 Views
06/11/10
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**I apologize for previous posts that have yet to be published in their entirety. That is a technical glitch of which I have no control. I can only hope that the technical help at IM will make the necessary adjustments to correct the situation soon.
Ever since choosing to make certain parts of my romantic life public, or at least, sharing with some the fact that I am going to date differently in 2010 than I have up until now, I have been reflective of all of my previous relationships. My intention was to learn from previous mistakes or to take note of the things that went well in the relationship to carry those things forth in the next one. I have also been reading quite a bit about others' relationships. Not too long ago, I read a book, whose title I choose not to mention here, that addressed interracial dating. The goal of the book, I had supposed by reading reviews about it, was to offer dating alternatives to single Black women faithfully awaiting the black knight who will sweep them off their feet. Statistically, only about 1 out of 7 of Black women ever get married. So, the author proposed to dispel all the negative stereotypes that reticent Black women may have about dating interracially so that they can improve the chances for their happily ever after. I read the book, and though there were some things I found thought-provoking, I spent much of my reading time allegorically arguing with the author's points. Without going into too much detail, I will say that I disagreed with the characterization of the relationships between Caucasian men and African American women as the most difficult to maintain due to external factors (i.e . society, family, friends, etc..) Admittedly, I have had relationships with men of every ethnicity and the most significant relationships I had were also the most difficult to maintain. Yet, only one of the two men was Caucasian. I felt that her book was lacking a certain perspective, that of the African American woman that dated multi-racially. I felt her descriptions were too simplistic. I was so moved, I contacted the author. She is a very kind woman who not only tolerated my opinions, but also corresponded with me as we discussed this topic. She eventually invited me to "share" my own experiences with her to include them in her next book. I told her that I would consider her offer and promised to get back in touch soon. I've spent every day since then thinking about all my previous relationships in a different way. Now I am stuck with my ambivalence and head full of doubts.
Could telling her our stories be paramount to betraying the confidences of those men I once loved quite deeply? Could I tell her about some of the most painful moments in my life just to prove my point? Is it more important to be right than to be private? Would I really want to see some of the most poignant stories of my past loves retold in a book that is meant to disprove certain stereotypes and prejudices that women (in general) may have about African American, Caucasian, Latino, and Asian men? Even though the stories would be told without reference to our names, I would know that the story was about us. I don't have the right to retell our story and I certainly don't think that I should ever share our secrets.
When a relationship ends, who owns the rights to your story? How many secrets are you willing to reveal?
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My dating challenge of 2010
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134 Views
04/25/10
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"2010 will be my year" I enthusiastically declared about 3 months ago. I am determined not to let my life get in the way of my living it this year.
Once I knew I had been promoted and that my job was secure, I had to accept the sad truth: I have a guarantee of a job for the rest of my life. No, that's not the sad truth. The sad truth is that this job is in Indiana (no disrespect intended, Hoosiers). I have never felt I belonged any place I have lived. This is the 6th state that I have lived in, the 3rd since leaving college, and every place I treated as my temporary place of residence. I never expected to stay anywhere for long. I was perpetually just passing through. I had never lived anywhere more than 5 years since moving out of my parents' home in 1986. The announcement of my promotion, which of course means additional responsibilities and higher expectations from my bosses, also has implications on my residential status. The significance of this fact is that it seems now I have put upon myself pressure to do something about my failing social life. I won't pretend not to know why I am, as I refer to myself, "an unsuccessful heterosexual". It's my fault mostly. I chose this life. A death sentence for the single, educated, heterosexual, professional woman that wants to get married. In my career, I was warned that I could have a good social life or a good job, but not both. So, I took the latter, because I figured that I would need to be financially secure. And, in theory, I could travel to bigger cities to look for men with whom there might be some mutual attraction. If I had chosen the former, I may have ended up in a nice city with plenty of opportunities to date, but no money to do anything. I made that decision, but I never gave up on the hunt. Every single man was considered prey until he revealed something about himself that I realized would make us incompatible or I would say to myself, "He's a keeper! He'd make a great friend!" Now, I have many male "friends". No, there's no chance of a fairy tale ending. It won't be like kissing a frog to try to convert any of them to become my Prince Charming. These men are playing for the other team. With a kiss from me, they'd just turn into frogs with a better sense of style.
So, now that I can work without as much pressure as before, I can put energy into the proverbial search for men for whom I would be the right fit and who would meet my standards. The first step, I believe, is admitting that I have no clue how to date anymore. I never really dated. My dating experience was limited to my extended stints in other countries where I was fond of the local men and they were quite smitten with me as well. I never expected anything long-term with them; we were just, you know, having fun. (Good memories.) But here, in the States, I was always a serial monogamist before now, before I fell head-first into my career. I would get into committed relationships and expect that journey to end with marriage. I am not even certain I can learn how to date. It requires a certain amount of acceptance of the unknown; I'd have to take a leap of faith that whatever happens I will land on my feet, or if I don't, that I will get up again. My career requires no risks. There are periods of high stress that go on for years and then, there's a lull, like now for me, when you are newly promoted. This won't last long, so it's the perfect time to begin this challenge.
I have been a member of several online dating sites before with not much success. Of course, "success" is a relative term. However defined, I have met more men through eHarmony than I had on my own living in the Hoosier state. However, I was a member of e Harmony for many years and had limited interactions with men that I would say were compatible with me. Besides, it was hard dealing with that site when it wasn't really intended to bring people who enjoy the company of other people of different ethnicities and cultures together. It wouldn't allow me to be selective in my preferences if it meant excluding men of my own ethnic group. It was dictating to me who would most likely be chosen by their system to be a "match" for me. At this stage in my life, I know what I want and I shouldn't have to be coy about expressing what I want. That's why I am going to start my search within this community of like-minded people.
I am declaring this year to be the year that I begin looking earnestly for someone. In 2011, I will be leaving for Madrid. It would be nice to use May 2011 as a target date. I am a serial monogamist. I would much rather learn to date now and find myself in a committed relationship by then and perhaps want to re-think my assignment in Madrid than to learn to date again there in Madrid, on the very same continent where I learned to date in the first place.
I wouldn't want to come back an unrepentant cougar. Or would I?
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